Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Kendra's Kickass Horror Film Survival Crate

So, the folks over at ManCrate asked if I would write about what stuff I would put in my very own Horror Film Survivor ManCrate and I was like, NO WAY WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASK ME THAT. Just kidding. Of course I said yes because FUN! This is sorta like my 10 Items For the Zombie Apocalypse post except more awesome because it's for all horror films not just a silly little zombie apocalypse. Think of the possibilities!

I feel like I'm very qualified for this task because I a) watch tons of horror flicks b) enjoy stuff and c) like surviving. I am not, however, a man so I'm changing the name of my crate to Kendra's Kickass Horror Film Survivor WomanCrate. That has quite a ring to it, right? Not too long at all, right? OK, let's do it. ManCrate, here's what you should put in mine:

  • A water gun full of holy water: Yes, I'm borrowing this from The Lost Boys but I think the Frog Brothers will be proud. I don't know what type of horror film I'll find myself in so I need to be prepared just in case it's one of those demon possession movies. Then I can be all like squirt squirt die rebel scum! Or something like that.
  • A flask full of vodka. There is no way in hell I'm going a whole horror film sober. Nope. Not gonna happen. Talk about stress! I think this will help me survive because I make AMAZING decisions when drunk. I do. Seriously. Ask anyone.
  • HUGE crucifix. Folks in horror films never ever have a cross when they need a cross. I want a huge one to wear around my neck just in case there are vampires or little girls puking pea soup. Plus I can pretend I'm Madonna.
  • Even HUGER boots. I am sooooooo not getting blood or guts on my ankles. Boots will protect my feet and also I can stomp on things. You know, like heads or balls or spiders or gremlins or evil little dolls.
  • Buff iPhone with extra charger. What are those super cool strong cases that like your dad has on his iPhone? I want one of those with the extra heavy battery pack on it. Yup, I want that iPhone to be so gigantic and heavy that it can double as a weapon. I'll also hopefully be able to call the bumbling local sheriff or whoever for help when the hillbilly family is chasing me through the woods.
  • Gun with silver bullets. I'm not really hip to guns but I did grow up in Texas and I'm a pretty great shot. I figure I can take down anything actually living with this like a werewolf or a vampire or an evil dude who just escaped from an insane asylum on Halloween night ooooooh.
  • Extra white tank top. Because of course I'm wearing a white tank top (the surviving girl always wears a white tank top) and the one I'm wearing will probably get icky by the end of the film. Look, I want to look cute in the final shot where I've survived because I'm awesome but what I don't know is that Freddy or Jason or the entity is actually IN THE CAR WITH ME or FOLLOWED ME HOME ON THE TRAIN or maybe THERE WAS AN ACCOMPLICE AND HE'S MY BOYFRIEND. Even if I'm gonna get killed in the sequel, at least I can go out looking fresh.
  • New black leather crossbody bag with studs. I guess I can put the stuff in it? But really I just want one so there.
Okay, that's my crate. Do you think I'd survive? Let me know what you'd put in yours! Happy Halloween!

*photo of the terrifying pumpkins we carved last year.