Wednesday, December 11, 2013

What I Learned From Holiday Movies

'Tis the season to gargle with egg nog and shovel pie in your mouth as you sit on your ass and watch a variety of holiday movies.  (It is the most wonderful time of the year!) Never mind the fact that we all watched the same flicks last year and the year before.  It's a glorious tradition and, dammit, we're doing it!  Who cares that we know all the lines and we're getting really sick of that scene in Love Actually where the chick won't do it with the hot guy because her brother calls even though he's lying there all hot and practically naked?  Who freaking cares?  Watch them we must!

And, you know, I don't really think there's anything wrong with it.  Christmas movies can be educational, after all.  I'm sure we've learned all kinds of things from them!  I'm so sure that I'm going to make a list of what I've learned from holiday films.  I'm going into this blind, guys.  Don't even have one idea of what I'm gonna write.  Not even googling "holiday films." It's like writing improv only you don't have to yell out suggestions and I promise you don't have to clap to get me going.  I've got caffeine and Dinosaur Jr. for that.

Okay, here we go!  What I learned from holiday films.  Go!

1) Dr. Suess' How The Grinch Stole Christmas (The cartoon, not the Jim Carey one):  You can do anything you want to Whos and they will not retaliate.  I repeat, they will not retaliate.  They will just sing and stuff.  Also, if you're having heart problems, just steal some shit and then return it.  Cardiovascular issues solved.

2) Elf:  All you have to do to get a book published is be a real life ex-Santa's helper from the North Pole with a publisher for a dad.  Easy.

3) National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation:  All Christmas movies are set in either Chicago or Manhattan.  Okay, also, it's fine if your Christmas lights cause a citywide power outage because you were just doing something nice for your family, screw everyone else!  This is America! Bonuses! Yeah!

4) It's A Wonderful Life:  A good way to make someone want to jump off a bridge is to say, "Zuzu's petals" over and over again in a George Bailey voice.

5) A Christmas Story: Any amazing Christmas tale ends with a child curled up with a loaded gun.  Also, you should always beat the shit out of bullies and cuss at them because that's awesome.  Also also, if your mom and your teacher and Santa say "No," to something, just ask your dad.

6) Gremlins:  Never ever bathe your pets. They'll be fine. Stinky but fine.  Again with the whole "Dad will buy you the batshit crazy gift" theme.

7) Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: I learned that this is basically just like Dumbo.  Baby animal has something physically wrong with it that ends up saving the day yay.  Also, I learned that The Island Of Misfit Toys has nothing to do with the punk band with the cool skull or the cartoon band who terrorizes Jem and the Holograms.  But, there is a dentist elf guy and that's kinda cool.

8) A Nightmare Before Christmas: People will forgive you for anything, even ruining Christmas, if you're super skinny, like, a total skeleton skinny.

9) Polar Express:  Motion-capture Tom Hanks is TERRIFYING.  It's less scary to watch The Shining.  Just watch that instead.  I mean, there's tons of snow and people in costumes.  It's totally festive.

10) White Christmas:  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I learned how to nap.

11) Home Alone:  Be really nice to your old ass neighbor, especially if he's good with a snow shovel.

12) Love Actually: American girls are hot sluts, the Prime Minister is not well-guarded AT ALL, it's okay to break the law if you're at the airport and you're an adorable child, hitting on your best friend's wife is fiiiiine, as long as you do it with funny cards, you can learn to play the drums well in two weeks, Bill Nighy is the best in everything ever and Mr. Bean is a Christmas angel.

Okay, that's what I learned.  I want you to know that this was a very well-researched post and that I worked really hard on it, haha, okay fine, this list came out of my exhausted but caffeinated crazy brain.  I hope you learned something by reading it!  Merry Holidays!  Happy Watching! Zuzu's Petals!  

*photo from Xmashop.