Friday, December 6, 2013

Best Wish List Ever Uh-Huh Is Too

A bunch of people have asked me what I want for Christmas.  Because saying "Nothing" never ever works out, earlier this year, I started making a list on my phone. I'm talking months ago.  Every time I thought of something, I'd list it.  I thought I was being so smart.  When it came time to send the list to my family, I looked at it, expecting it to be this great creation.  There were I think 5 items, 2 of them were gift cards and one just said "Yummy Sushi Pajamas just like Buffy."  Maybe (I mean, there's a chance) I'm not that good at this.  I decided to sit down today and actually write a real list.  You know, items I truly want, from the bottom of my soul.  My mom's been waiting for this list for over a decade.

Sooooo, if you were wondering what to get me for the holidays, here ya' go.  You're welcome!

1) Smurf village with real smurfs who will do my bidding.  I'll send them to tickle people in line at Coffee Bean for my amusement and to borrow people's phones out of their pockets at parties so I can take pictures of my butt and email it to all of their contacts with the Subject Line "Got You Something."

2) Ghostbuster Proton Pack in case of a city-wide ghost infestation.  This could easily happen in Los Angeles!  I want to be prepared (look cool) while I run around fighting (posing for Instagram pics) the forces of evil (the ghosts of angry movie extras).

3) My own gang of Pink Ladies with the best jackets.  The jackets are crucial.  I'm thinking more Grease 2 jackets than Grease jackets, okay?  And, no T-Birds.  My dating rule will be that we can only go out with people who have passed my Spotify test.  (I look at their Spotify page and if it doesn't make me eye-roll, then they're A-OK.)

4) Gluten-free pizza that doesn't taste like my soul is being crushed.  I'm sick of crying every time I finish a slice of cheesy cardboard.

5) For Pluto to be a planet again.  Gonna need it in writing.

6) Private concert with Frank Sinatra, The Doors and The Beatles, please.  No big.  Oh shit, I mean NO BIG DEAL NOT NO BIGGIE.  Biggie can totally come!  Hypnotize is my jam!  What a line-up!

7) Netdogs.  I mean Dogflix.  I mean Rent-A-Pooch.  I mean a service where I can please rent a Corgi for a week and then a French Bulldog for a few days after I return the Corgi in a timely manner with no scratches and in the original sleeve.  Hogie thinks this would be a great alternative to us getting another dog.  I think it'll be a nice way to get my dog fix without breaking the rules of my lease.

8) Leggings that don't get baggy at the bottom or go up to my armpits at the top.  While I'm at it, tights that aren't baggy at the knee.  Oh and skinny jeans that retain their shape even after I play on the floor with my dog for an hour.  Ha, good luck with this one, mom!

9) A Sorting Hat that tells you what Hogwarts house you'd be in even if you're a silly muggle.  I plan on dropping that thing on the heads of everyone I know and also strangers in the grocery store because I really care about this sort of thing.  It's like a Magic 8 Ball only way better because it talks and it's a stylish accessory.

10) A taco bucket.  It just looks like a plain ole bucket but if you stick your hand in it, it instantly fills with whatever kind of taco you're craving!  Ohmygawd, I'm so happy right now just thinking about a taco bucket.

Okay, so that's my list.  I hope it gave you some good ideas for when you go out and get me a present.  See, mom, I'm not that hard to buy for!  Please wrap it in either Care Bear or Star Wars paper, got it?  Ha, just kidding, I'm fine with gummy bear wrapping too.

*Super old pic of the tree either my first Christmas or my second, not sure.  What I am sure of is that that's the old dude phone toy from Toy Story 3.  You know, the one who has been there forever and helps Woody?  Yeah, that guy.  That old guy.  Anyway, Santa brought me that phone.  No, I don't feel old, WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THAT?