Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Kendragarden Tells You What To Watch

It's a dark time on TV right now, in my humble opinion.  I mean, Breaking Bad is over, Mad Men is waaaaay between seasons and all the new sitcoms make me wanna put my head in my Vitamix.  Does anyone even know when the next season of Sherlock comes out?  Not that it matters, I'll watch it all in one night anyway, Orange Is The New Black style.  Is True Blood even coming back?  (I know I could google this but I'm too busy whining, you guys.) And why does Dracula suck so much? (Ha.) It's so boring!  I tried really hard to get into it but I'm just not feeling it even when Jonathan Rhys Myers is biting people. I can't think of a hotter person to play Dracula and it's still a snooze. Which is a new kind of tragic. It's like how when I watch Walking Dead, I feel like it's my job.  Ugh.  It seems like all the shows I want to love are terrible and all my favorite shows are ignoring me and dating my friends or something.  It hurts.  It really does.

On the other hand, all I want to do lately is curl up on the couch and watch TV.  I blame daylight savings time.  And vodka.  Of course,  I'm finding PLENTY of things to watch.  I often joke in real life and on Twitter about how I only watch shows with vampires and that is kinda sorta true.  If you give me the remote, I'm gonna land on something with vampires, singing and dancing dudes in hats or lots and lots of naked people.  (Let's face it, my favorite show in the world would have all three. Vamps & Tramps, anyone? It'll be like Guys & Dolls only the Hot Box Girls will be burlesque dancers who eat the audience.) If I leave the remote in Tim's hands, we'll end up watching golf, history, food shows or (the worst) something about buying, selling or renovating a house.  I'm okay with history but the food and house shows feel like someone is torturing me.  And not in a good way, perverts.

But, yes, I am watching non-food things right now.  And some of the shows are good even!  I'm going to risk mortification by telling you what they are.  Here's what I think you should watch:

1) Sons Of Anarchy
This has got to be the most dramatic show on television.  Every episode is a cliffhanger, complete with a "What the fuck am I doing with my life" or "How oh how will I stay out of jail, Lord?" or "I'm really drunk and there's stuff in my beard" montage set to a terrible cover of a good rock song.  Things HAPPEN on this show.  It's literally never boring. Laugh out loud overboard, yes.  Cringe inducing, yes.  But, boring?  Never ever.  I love it so much.  SAMCRO 4 LYF.
Watch this if: You own a pair of leather leggings, you love motorcycles, you're from California or if you always wanted to see Peggy Bundy cut a bitch or HellBoy sigh pensively while he cleans his gun. (The old ones are on Netflix, yo.)

2) Nashville
I started watching this because of Connie Britton, mainly.  She was fantastic on Friday Night Lights and the first season American Horror Story.  Plus, that hair!  Also, Powers Booth is a graduate of the same theatre program as me so I like to watch him and pretend I'm getting his residual checks.  Anyway, it's good, y'all.  I don't even listen to modern country music and I really like this show.  It's a good combination of drama, music and sparkly outfits.
Watch this if: You always rooted for the cheerleader in Heroes, you like fried okra, Glee is too precious for you or you wear cowboy boots with a dress at least once a week.

3) Supernatural
I'm gonna go out of my comfort zone and admit that this is my favorite show currently on television.  Meaning airing right now this second.  It just has everything I enjoy.  It's funny, it's campy.  There are hot dudes fighting vampires and demons and angels and witches.  There's also 394 seasons so you don't have to worry about getting super into it only to find out it's been canceled. (Ahem, Firefly.) It's the closest thing on TV now to my ultimate all-time fave, Buffy The Vampire Slayer.  Plus, the dude who plays Castiel lives in my neighborhood and he's adorable, you guys.  You should give this show a chance.
Watch this if:  You used to play ghosts and ghost hunters instead of cops and robbers when you were a kid, you like your television to make you laugh and cringe at the same time or if your great aunt was killed by a golem. (The first 393 seasons are on Netflix if you need to catch up real quick.)

4) American Horror Story: Coven
The first season of this show scared the crap out of me.  I can spend all night watching horror films and sleep just fine but the first few episodes of this had me tossing and turning.  This season, however, it's not scary so much as it is fascinating. The witches all have different powers and the writers are not afraid of gore.  Also!  The cast is crazy.  Seriously:  Kathy Bates, Jessica Lange, Angela Bassett, Sarah Paulson, Gabourey Sidibe JUST TO NAME A FEW.  And I heard Stevie Nicks is gonna pop up sometime this season so it's cool they got a real witch!
Watch this if: you dress up as a sexy witch every Halloween, you think Kathy Bates is the scariest person on earth besides Jack Nicholson or you appreciate shows with dynamic and diverse female casts.

5) Hart Of Dixie
This is easily the most embarrassing show on my list but I would be a liar if I didn't put it on here.  I not only watch this show, I look forward to this show.  I get excited when it shows up on my dvr recordings list.  I can't help it.  Hart of Dixie is not trying to be "serious" or "insightful" or even "good."  What it is trying to be is entertaining and fun and it's succeeding!  The characters are pretty cookie-cutter but they're endearing and familiar.  You actually find yourself kinda sorta caring about them, which is a big ole shock considering they're not criminals and I'm fairly sure they're not supernatural.  Some of the characters are down right adorable.  Holy crap, wait until you see the mayor smile!  Okay, I'm officially red-faced embarrassed.
Watch this if:  You miss your small town, your favorite thing to read about in magazines is Rachel Bilson's outfits or you need something light and fun to watch while you eat lunch at your desk. (Catch up on Netflix and let me know if you like Wade or George better.  I have strong feelings on this topic.)

6) Reign
Okay, full disclosure, I'm a sucker for anything involving Tudor history.  I inhaled that Showtime show, The Tudors, and I marched my husband through Westminster Abbey and the Tower Of London just to see some tombs and to stand where Anne Boleyn was beheaded.  So, of course I like this.  I like it even though I know what happens to Mary, Queen of Scots and I know that this show will probably not be on long enough to get to see it.  But, I think you'll like it too because it's engaging and the actors are very good and very decent to look at.  Okay, they're hot.  They're CW hot.  The only gripe I have is that instead of using period music, they keep busting out stuff like Mumford & Sons.  Super weird, CW.  Get a grip, CW.
Watch this if:  You have a collection of purple corsets in your Ren-fest drawer, you're secretly a history buff but you like watching shows about pretty people who yell a lot or if you have no idea who Mary, Queen of Scots is and you'll never Wikipedia her. You can learn things!

7) The League
Wow, so many FX shows! I promise I don't work for FX.  This show is just super super funny.  I triple dog dare you to watch The League without cracking a grin.  It's pretty much ridiculous and silly and awesome.  I mean, there's a stoner character named Taco who sings a lot.  Plus, you get a lot of guest appearances from your favorite NFL players.  One episode they went to Cowboys training camp and Jason Witten was in it.  So, yeah, it's cool. You'll like it.
Watch this if:  You have a sense of humor, a fantasy football team or you just enjoy well-done funny shows. (This is also on Netflix.  Do it up, dude!)

8) The Originals
Yes, I'm still watching The Vampire Diaries.  Yes, this is a Vampire Diaries spin-off.  Yes, I like this show better than Vampire Diaries this season and I'm not afraid to say it I mean write it.  (Special note to the writers of Vampire Diaries, WHAT IS HAPPENING??) Sorry.  Anyway, the premise is that the original vampires, yes the very first, go back to New Orleans for the first time in ages and try to take over the city but of course it's being dominated by another vamp they used to party with back in the day.  (This dude, Marcel, is probably definitely the hottest person on television easy.  At least until Mad Men comes back.) There are witches and a crazy pretty pregnant werewolf.  It's pretty good.  And, the backdrop of New Orleans is never a bad thing.  I wouldn't say I'm hooked exactly but I can watch an episode of this without having to check my phone.
Watch this if: You still buy Anne Rice books, you wished the characters on 90210 would bite each other occasionally or you never leave the house without wearing at least 23 pieces of jewelry.

There we go!  Yes, I realize this list is super heavy on the CW shows.  But, the heart wants what the heart wants and mine wants pretty people doing lots of murders and high-jinx.  It's not my fault it's the only network making hot people turn into werewolves and run around in corsets right now.  Don't like anything on this list? Can I interest you in the best show on television, AMERICAN DAD??  Watch all of them.  Give them good ratings on Hulu.  Tell your nephew and your nana and your boyfriend from church camp to watch it.  GO AMERICAN DAD FOREVER!!!  But, seriously, I think this is what you should watch.  At least until some of the other shows come back.  Holy Geez, when do Louis and Wilfred come back, you guys? Okay, I'm okay.  I'm okay.  I'm okay.

*photo from bafta.