Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Kendragarden Tells You How To Deal With Allergies

I'm on Day 4 of Sinusgate 2013.  Ha.  Isn't that adorable?  That's what I'm calling the sinus headache I've had for four days because I'm just so creative and awesome.  Ha.  Sinusgate.  Where do I come up with these zingers??  Luckily this happens to me every single year so I'll be able to whip this amazing phrase out next year and the next and the next.  It's gonna be great.

Anyway, since it's day four of my skull feeling like it's trying to escape my body, I thought I'd do an allergy post.  Because I've had two allergic reactions in the last week, I reasoned maybe I am the person to help you deal with your seasonal allergies.  Contrary to popular belief, we do have seasons in Los Angeles.  There's You Need A Light Scarf Time, Sneezy Everthing's Blooming Month, Hot Enough To Wear A Sundress Period, You Have To Wear A Sundress And Turn On Your Air Conditioner Or You'll Die Days and, of course, my favorite, Everything Is Dying And It Feels Like Freddy Krueger Is Squeezing Your Face Stretch.  Oooh, we have FIVE seasons in L.A.  That makes sense.  We like to overdo things out here.  Christ, there are currently 86 singing shows filming a mile from my house.

So, allergies.  And  how to deal with them.  I'm an expert so let me help you. Let me help you.

Ouch. OK, here we go:

1) Make a sign (or get a tattoo on your forehead) that says, "IT'S JUST ALLERGIES."
This will be very helpful at the gym or in line at Coffee Bean or at the bank when people give you bitch face after you sneeze or when they catch a glimpse of your red watery eyes.  I don't know about you but I haven't had a cold in ages.  If I'm feeling crappy, it's allergies.  I'm not contagious, I'm just disgusting!  Peeps gotta know.

2) Tell everyone you know about your allergies.  Especially if they're food allergies!
This is riveting dinner conversation.  Trust me, your friends want to know about the time your lips swelled up after eating MSG accidentally!  They can't wait to find out about how you're allergic to halibut but you do just fine with salmon (so weird huh LOL)?!  Tell everyone you meet about how if you eat gluten, you feel sick immediately and you're achey for days.  They're gonna love you, baby!

3) Teach yourself a cute sneeze.
For example, when I sneeze, I actually say "Ahhh Chooo," like I'm a cartoon character.  I've been working on it for years, you guys, but it's been totally worth it.  Can you imagine the joy I bring people around me when I sneeze seven times in a row?  Ha!  Daffy Duck ain't got nothing on me and my sneezing.

4) Be a druggie.
Think of it this way, for the whole Everything Is Dying And It Feels Like Freddy Krueger Is Squeezing Your Face Stretch (I think you guys call it Fall?), you'll be doped up on Advil Cold & Sinus, Dayquil, Benadryl, Flonase, Allegra, Singulair and Aleve.  You won't know where you are and you won't care.  You won't need alcohol!  Oh wait, yeah you will.  If you have the headaches like I do, you'll need alcohol.  Let me revise this to:  Be a druggie lush.  Yeah, much better.

5) Make a joke out of it.
You know, like Sinusgate.  Ha!  Still gets me.  One time I almost died from an allergic reaction at a party.  They had to shoot me up with an adrenaline shot.  It was scary and it sucked.  But did I let that get me down?  I did not.  Instead I made jokey joke jokes!  "Ha, I almost died, that would've been a bummer!"  "Guess I won't be doing a keg stand, hahahahahaha."  "Wow, I feel shitty and I'm scared and I want to go home and hide in my closet!  Yeah!"  See, you can turn that life threatening situation into a DELIGHT.

I'm working on being a delight.  Did I mention it's DAY FOUR OF MY SINUS HEADACHE?  Oh, I did?  Cool.  I'm currently wearing a hat indoors because I have this notion that it's keeping my skull together.  I hope my suggestions help those of you with allergies.  Those of you without allergies, congratulations on winning the genetic lottery!  Yay for your awesome life!  I want to throw you off a cliff, reach into your corpse, yank out your genes and shove them into my body!  I kid, I kid.

*Full disclosure:  I'm not kidding.
**pug pic from howstuffworks.