Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Better Titles For Morrissey's Autobiography

If you read this blog regularly or follow me on Twitter or Tumblr or, well, anywhere, you probably already know that I looooooooove Morrissey and that Morrissey wrote an autobiography with this amazing title:  Morrissey: Autobiography.  Ha.  It was published by Penguin Classics.  Another ha. Classics.  So awesome.  So perfect.  Of course Morrissey's book is already a classic.  I'm sure he insisted! I can't shut up about it.  It came out on October the 17th in the U.K. so naturally I assumed I'd be able to get it here then too.  That morning, I called my local bookstore, I went to Amazon.  I did Google searches.  I sent out pigeons.  Nobody had it.  I finally figured out it wasn't out here yet because I'm super freaking smart like.

Because I was so mad at him for making me wait, I got a little pissy about the title online that day.  I made up new titles and then people sent me their own made up titles.  IT WAS FUN, YOU GUYS.  Anyway, I just found out that the book is being released here December 3rd.  Moz, I think you should jazz it up a little for your American release.  Maybe lovingly make it more palatable to us as an audience like in "America Is Not The World" where you told us where we can shove our hamburgers.  Maybe call it:  Morrissey:  Hamburgers.

I'm JUST KIDDING, Morrissey!  You know I love you so hard.  So, below is a very serious list of options for your upcoming American release.  I can't wait!!!
  1. This Charming Moz
  2. Stop Me If You Think That You've Read This One Before 
  3. Morrissey: My Me Book!
  4. Bigmouth Writes Again
  5. Every Day It’s, Like, Morrissey
  7. Please Please Please Let Me Get Your Book Buying Bucks
  8. Moz On Moz:  Not In THAT Way You Perv I'm Celibate 
  9. I Started Something I Couldn't Finish But I Totes Finished This Book
  10. Drink, Cry, For God's Sake Don't Love
  11. Shoplifters Of The World, Steal This Book
  12. Look At My Book, Robert Smith, Look At My Book Ha Ha Ha Robert Smith
And some bonus titles from my funny friends that had me reeling around fountains:
  • Some Books Are Bigger Than Others (from @13Spencer)
  • I Have Forgiven Jesus but I'll Never Forgive You if You Don't Buy This Book (from @eastsidechick)
  • The More You Ignore Me The Less You'll Have To Read (from @ChiSoxMMV)
  • The First of the Gang to Write an Autobiography (from Dawn Sardella-Ayres)
I seriously cannot wait until December 3rd.  I'm more excited about this than Christmas and New Years and Thanksgiving and National Maple Syrup Day combined.  I hope Moz uses one of my titles.  What did you think?  What do you think he should call it?  Let me know!  I'll leave you with my favorite Morrissey solo song to ease the pain of this life.  There there.  Pat pat.

*photo by clubundergroundla.