Monday, September 16, 2013

Smells Like Soup

Last night I did something I haven't done since college.  No, I didn't do a beer bong.  I started laughing hysterically (HYSTERICALLY, YOU GUYS) and then the laughter dissolved into tears.  This was a frequent occurrence back in the days when I rarely got more than a few hours of sleep a night and I was always stressed, under pressure and, um, hungover.  We'd all be studying for a theatre history exam when something dumb would strike me funny and I'd laugh until I bawled.  I think Edi's seen me do this at least a couple dozen times.

Tim, not so much.

So I completely freaked Tim out.  He thinks I'm broken.  Maybe I am broken?  If you've ever gone apartment hunting in Los Angeles, you understand my hysteria.  Apartment hunting makes you mega-breakable, y'all.  Right now I'm as fragile as a Moaning Myrtle.  I'm the anti-Bruce Willis.  I'm Carrie Bradshaw after a break-up.  I'm a mess.  

I just want somewhere nice to live.

We sold our place for a very good price, which is great!  Super stoked.  We're looking for a place to live and yes, we do have some requirements but we're also open to several neighborhoods.  It's not like we can only live in a two block stretch of Los Feliz in a place with a pool and a man-servent.  I mean, we're semi-flexible.  We just want things like we want them.  And, there's the Hogie issue.

We've been emailing and calling and driving by properties.  We've gone to open houses.  And, you know what? Most places suck.  Also, people are liars.  "Los Feliz" means a trashy part of Hollywood four miles from Los Feliz.  A "private yard" means a shared yard with 8 other condos that no one is allowed to walk on because the grass might get messed up.  "A/C throughout" means a dinky wall-unit from the 70s in the corner of the living room that if you "crank it up all the way, it might reach the bedrooms."  

"Will consider pet," means "I just like cats, fuck you and your adorable dog."  "Gorgeous view" means you can kinda see downtown if you blur your eyes and ignore the parking lot.  "Close to everything" means either a thirty minute walk from everything or your front door is 7 feet away from a really popular nightclub and 3 pubs.  "A private gym" means a twenty year old stationary bike and a set of dumbbells you share with the complex's other 300 residents.  "Classic" means it smells like soup and litter box.  "Ample street parking" means you might find a spot after driving around for forty-five minutes.  A "nice quiet street" means all over your neighbors are 80 and will bitch if you play music or watch a movie or sneeze.

And so on.

We've had good luck with landlords in the past.  Before we bought our condo, we lived in a great building in Venice owned by a couple, who even came to our wedding.  We also had great luck at a cute pad in Silver Lake.  That landlord is still my Facebook friend.  But, the searching business is disheartening this time.  We have a time limit, of course.  Gotta be out by the close of escrow, during which, we're going to London for 10 days.  (Yay!) There's also the fact that I fell in love with a house that we didn't get, probably because of our dog, which I understand not every owner wants a dog in the house they painstakingly renovated, so, yeah, it's all good except that last night it didn't feel all good.  Last night it felt like we'll probably end up in some old ass gross Silver Lake-adjacent building that smells like soup with a terrible kitchen and a view of a parking lot.  Thus, the cry-laughing.  Thus, the hysterics.

I'm a bit better this morning.  I know we'll find something.  And I know we'll love it.  But, I also think that you should be more honest in your Craigslist or Westside Rentals ad.  If your place is an apartment, don't call it a condo.  If it's a duplex, don't call it a house.  And if your building is full of old people who will need me to open jars for them for the next decade, CALL IT A RETIREMENT HOME.

Whew.  Feeling better.  One week til we leave for London.  Gonna see several places.  Wish us luck!  And A/C!  And hardwood floors!  And a washer/dryer!  WISH US A YARD!


*photo of two of my favorite things that someone sent me forever ago and has been crowding my desktop for ages.  Yes, I know it has nothing to do with this post but you know what?  It's freaking soothing.  I need to be soothed.  I NEED TO BE SOOTHED, DAMMIT.

**Update:  WE FOUND A PLACE!  And it's great.  We literally went to see it about 6 hours after I wrote this.  It's a duplex and I'm in love with it.  It's really cute and it actually does have views.  But it does not have a yard like it says in the ad.  So,  yes, stoked that we compromised but nope, not taking back this rant.