Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Kendragarden Tells You How To Stay Cool

It's hot in L.A., ya heard?  We Angelenos are heat wimps.  And rain wimps.  And cold wimps.  We're weather wimps, OK?  Even though I'm from arguably the hottest state in the nation and grew up shrugging at 112 degree temperatures, after more than a decade and a half, I've pretty much acclimated to Cali.  I grumble when I have to put on a sweater and I go ugh when I get even the slightest bit glisten-y while walking around for hours on a sunny August day.  We're spoiled.  We know it.  We're only good between 65 and 75 degrees.  We can't help it.

So, we're in a heatwave and everyone (myself included) is being super over-dramatic about it.  (Check out this pic of Hogie after a short walk outside. It was in the high eighties. Tragic!)  Because today is my bossy day, I'm gonna tell you how to beat the heat.  Let's do this thing.

1) Talk about it.
Loudly. Complain about the heat to everyone you see all day long.  Misery hearts company, don'tcha know?  The more you say, "Hot enough for you?" or "It's too hot!" or "Some weather we're having, eh, neighbor?" the cooler you actually get.  It's like science or something.

2) Pub it up.
Go to a dive bar.  Go to a pub.  Go somewhere that smells like the carpets have been soaking up beer and whiskey since before you were born.  Go somewhere with dart boards and bartenders named Hank.  It'll be dark and cold in there.  It should be quiet too.  Unless someone tells you how hot it is outside, of course.  But you'll probably get so drunk you won't care about anything.  Go you!

3) Get sprayed.
We Angelenos freak the hell out over heat so we spray misty water over every outdoor patio in the city so that no one gets dehydrated or has a good hair day.    Go stick your face in one.  Yeah, you'll look like a creep but you'll be a cool creep so whatev, haters.  There's also a homeless gentleman in Los Feliz who will spray you with a hose as you walk by so hit that dude up.  Be sure to compliment his dance moves.

4) Look at something cute.
I recommend this wet puppy but, duh, there are all sorts of cute things on the internet.  Or if you're a cat person, why?! and also, this post with tiny hats on cats is pretty cute.  Just go to Buzzfeed or hang out with your dog or do something to distract you from the fact that your bra is swampy.  Ew.

5) Check out fall fashion.
When it's crazy hot out, I like to go shopping.  My favorite thing to do is to try on a big nubby sweater and then say to my friend, "WHY DID I TRY THIS ON I'M ROASTING OHMYGAWD I'M SO CRAZY HAHA."  You could also put on a pair of pleather jeggings and see if you can peel them off without wrecking the dressing room, you know, just for shits and giggles.  Ha!  Hilarious.

6) Frozen treats are sweet.
If it's over 80 and you're walking around Los Angeles without a froyo cup or an ice cream cone or some gelato, you're a total loser, man.  Get your frozen concoction on with the quickness before someone accuses you of being anti-summer fun!

7) Camp out.
This could be in that one room where you have A/C or it could be at the movie theater of your choice.  In any case, commit to being there all day.  If you're staycationing it, surround yourself with books and magazines (or comics) and your laptop and your dog (or cat).  Make sure you have snacks.  If it's the movie theater, plan out your movie marathon and be sure to eat enough Red Vines.  You'll need your strength for when you have to walk out in the heat to your car.

8) Take off your clothes. 
Seriously.  Who cares? Stay in your house and just be naked for the day.  Or weekend.  We lived in a really hot apartment in Silverlake a few years back with very nosy neighbors who could see right into our windows from theirs.  It was in the high nineties and I had to bake cupcakes for 4th of July.  (The mother-in-law was counting on me.  Can't disappoint the mother-in-law.) Because I knew the next door neighbors would be peering into the kitchen all day, I just baked in a bikini instead of naked.  You're welcome, Joe and Rose, you old perverts, you.

I really hope that these suggestions help you survive the heat wave, you guys.  Just be a naked drunk person loudly complaining about the heat as you shovel froyo in your mouth and you'll be fiiiiine.  Anyhoo, stay cool!  Have a great summer!  Don't ever change!  Homeroom was fun! LYLAS!

*photo by me, yay.