Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Kendragarden Tells You How To Make A Football Pick

It's advice Wednesday.  It's also football season finally and you know what that means!  Yes, I'll be embarrassing myself by wearing a variety of Dallas Cowboys tees at a variety of sports bars all over Los Angeles over the next few months.  Yay!

Because I'm such a football expert, I think I'm qualified to tell you how to make a pick for your football pool.  Never mind the fact that up until a few of years ago I thought a football pool was a party where you throw a football around while splashing it up in your bikini.  Never mind the fact that my husband died laughing at me last night when I asked whether Emmitt Smith was a wide receiver or a running back.  (Dude, at least I knew he was one of them!)  The thing is, I make good picks.  I mean, most of the time I make good picks.  Well, some of the time.  Look, my pick won Sunday so that means that I have a PERFECT RECORD so far this year.  So, yeah, I think I've got this whole thing locked down, you guys.  Allow me to help you win so much money.

Disclaimer:  I guess football pools for money are illegal or whatever so let me just state here that I am in no way participating in a really fun form of weekly gambling over football games with hundreds of other people and a $100 buy in where you can only pick each team once per season and if you lose three games, you're out.  I am totally not doing that.

OK, here we go.  How to make a pick in your football pool:

1) Pick the Patriots.  
I know, everyone hates them.  I get it.  I really do.  One time I was in Worcester, Massachusetts during the playoffs and holy crap!  Patriots fans are intense. But, I always end up picking them the first weekend every season because I don't want to start out with a loss.  So far it's worked!  Barely!  LOL!

2) Pick a team with a hot guy.
This is directly relevant to number one because duh, Tom Brady.  So if you're stumped, go with a team with someone super hot like The Jets (hey, Mark Sanchez, hey) or The Bears (Matt Forte, wowee).  This is foolproof, y'all.

3) Who would win in the wild?
When stumped, think about who would win in a battle in the wilderness.  For example, pretty sure a Bronco is gonna stomp on a Raven.  A freaking Saint should have no problem with a bird, even a big bird like a Falcon. But, a Bengal against a Bear is super tricky.  They're both pretty fierce and furry with claws and stuff so it's hard to say who would win.  If you're using this method, it's best to stay away from match ups like Dolphins vs. Browns.  I mean, cartoon Dolphins are really un-ferocious and who the hell knows what a Brown is anyway?

4) Pretty colors.
Again with the Browns.  No.  Do not pick a team with shit-colored uniforms.  If you really want a winner, look for a cool color combo like green and yellow (oooh, pretty pretty Packers!) or red and gold (so regal, 49ers!).  This will work!  I promise.  I mean, don't quote me or anything but I, like, have a really good feeling about it.

5) Only pick your own team when you're sure.
I only pick Dallas if I'm absolutely positive they're going to win.  They have to be at home and they have to be playing someone terrible.  I mean, it's Dallas.  I'm going to be depressed enough any given week, why add insult to injury (oh god, sorry to be insensitive Tony Romo, hope you're OK, dude, my bad) by putting extra pressure on my boys.  This way even when the Cowboys lose, at least my pick has won.

6) Just pick The Cowboys.
I know.  This goes against everything I said in the last one.  But, if they're not your favorite team, why not pick them?  They're AMERICA'S TEAM, guys.  What can go wrong?

7) Let your dog decide.
Dogs are smart.  They can detect cancer in humans!  Mine can open a bag of almonds wrapped in an expensive handbag with his teeth!  Sometimes I ask Hogan McSmalls who I should pick.  He usually goes for The Browns because he's brown and probably because of the dog pound but one time he picked The Raiders and they won!  (I think he just likes the Raider nation's little outfits.  I mean, they are pretty cute with their skulls and whatnot. Hogan is all about the fans.)

8) Never pick The Redskins.
No reason.  I just don't like them.

9) Go with your gut.
Sometimes I'll make a pick and my husband and my friends are all, why did you do that, you're an idiot, lol, and I'm like, I'm feeling it back off.  And then later when I lose everyone makes fun of me but it's OK because I have SO MUCH FUN YOU GUYS DON'T EVEN KNOW.  So, there.

10) Who has the best cheerleaders?
Go with the best and prettiest dancers.  So, basically we're back to number 6.  Guess you'll just have to pick America's Team.  Ohhhhh well!

I hope this handy guide helped you guys.  I hope you win lots of money and prestige and jello shots.  I know this list is really good so before you ask, just let me say, no, I don't have any advice on Fantasy Football.  I mean, I watch The League and all but I've never played.  (I only play Twitter.)

Check back next weekend for REALLY GOOD ADVICE about something super important.

*photo by me of my new fall wardrobe cute, right?