Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Kendragarden Tells You How To Do Lots Of Stuff!


I really really like telling people what to do but this week I'm not feeling bossy or even particularly knowledgable in any subject whatsoever unless it's how to have a mental breakdown so I put it to my Kendragarden Facebook page and got some questions.  I'm gonna leave them anonymous because these are HEAVY, you guys:  

I like cosmos but all my friends (male and female) make fun of me. Any advice? What should I do?


Get new friends immediately.  You should be able to roll up wearing a huge plastic Eiffel Tower full of Pina Colada around your neck like you're Flava Flav and your friends should think, Oh wow, our friend is here and he's drinking something fun!  Yay yay yay!  These guys clearly need something else to make fun of.  Maybe take them to an Old Navy and leave them there.  Alternatively, you could just drink like 13 more cosmos and then you won't care that your friends are stupid jerkfaces.

Is it rude to throw a mint into someone's mouth when they are talking?  How else do I tell them their breath stinks?

Hmmm, if you threw the mint into their mouth and they choked and died, that would be super rude.  Otherwise, I don't see the problem. (Aim for the tongue!) They just got a free mint AND they got to participate in a super fun game of catch.  How lucky!  That's my dog's favorite game and tennis balls aren't anywhere close to as yummy as mints are.  I think you're being a very good (and fun) pal.  Other methods of letting them know would be ordering them a plate of nachos with "YOU STINK" spelled out in jalepenos or maybe hiring a singing telegram because those are super cute.  Everyone likes a singing telegram.

How to tell someone to stop telling you the same stories over and over without totally hurting their feelings? You know they like to talk about it, but you are tired of hearing that one... you know what I mean?

Ahhh yes, I do indeed know what you mean.  I should probably ask my husband the answer to this because I think he's heard the story about how I fell down some stairs in college holding a bong and my RA yelled at me at least 900 times.  (It's such a good one, though!) I think the best thing to do in this case is whip out a pair of noise canceling headphones and put them on.  Then roll your eyes and stare at them.  If they get the hint, cool, they'll shut up.  If they don't, no biggie because you can't hear them.  Maybe plug the headphones into your phone and listen to this.  So good, right?!  

*photo from thefrenemy.