Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Kendragarden Tells You What To Do: At The Doctor

Hello and welcome to my new advice column:  Kendragarden Tells You What To Do.  This came about because Tim said, "You should write an advice column," and I said, "No way," and he said, "It could be fun," and I said, "But would people ask me for advice or something?" and he said, "No, you just write about what you want," and I was all, "Okay."

So, here I am.  It should be really interesting because I'm not good at that many things.  I have a feeling you guys are gonna be in for a lot of alcohol posts and maybe a couple on parallel parking because I'm good at alcohol and parallel parking.  I went to college in San Marcos, Texas.  You have to be good at alcohol and parallel parking in San Marcos, Texas, y'all.  But, anyway, yeah.  There are some things I know, like, a couple maybe so here we go.

Today's topic is Doctor's Visits, as you saw by the title.  I'm good at going to the doctor because I -through no fault of my own- have to go to the doctor all the freaking time.  I go to the doctor more than your sweet old Nana.  And I'm super good at it.  Here are my tips.  DO THEM.  DO THEM ALL.

1) Be super nice.  Even if you feel like shit.  Actually, especially if you feel like shit.  The nicer you are, the nicer they'll be to you.  I don't care if you feel like you're dying in the waiting room and they're running an hour late.  You need to tell that receptionist that her hair looks nice today.  (Don't lie but be nice.  You can do it!)  Seriously, kiss everyone's ass.  The girl who gave me chelation IVs is my best friend now. I love her.  I know the names of all four of my dental hygienist's cats.  Why am I pals with these ladies?  Because one of them was sticking a needle in my vein  weekly and the other one puts pointy metal instruments in my mouth twice a year.  Also, because I'm just a pleasant fucking person to be around, duh.

2) Bring something to do.  Bring a book or your iPad.  Make sure you have your phone.  Bring your entire Smurf Village and set it up on a chair.  You need something to keep you sane while you're waiting in the appropriately named waiting room and then in the exam room and then in line to get blood taken and then waiting for your prescription, etc.  It helps you with Number 1.  Trust me.

3) Bribe yourself.  I do this all the time.  I get a prize after I go to the doctor.  Yes, I'm aware I'm in my thirties.  Shut up.  I know you are but what am I?  If it's just a regular appointment, I get something like an Iced Blended from Coffee Bean.  Yesterday, I got myself two gluten-free donuts after having to go to Cedars-Sinai, the craziest medical complex in the Milky Way.  If it's some sort of horrible procedure, I get to buy a new album or go to the movies or go out for sushi.  It makes it so much better.  Yes, I know how old I am.  Stop it.

4) Play a game.  My favorite doctor's office game is where I make up names for other people in the waiting room and I decide what they're in for.  HoBag Jones is there because she left her skinny caramel macchiato on the hood of her silver Mazda Miata and tried to grab it while driving eighty down Ventura.  She spilled the coffee, natch, and messed up her pedicure when she had to brake suddenly for a stupid pedestrian so she hasn't been sleeping much since then. Her friend told her to ask for Xanax.  I also like to strike up conversations with old ladies.  This can be very amusing and rewarding.  One time one of them gave me three Wintergreen Lifesavers, you know the kind with the crystals in the middle? She said I should save them for later, when I wanted a treat.  I did.  I totally did.

5) Hold the doctor hostage.  You can do this, you know.  You can even write a list on a post-it and ask them everything you've been meaning to for the last five visits.  That way, you don't have to come back.  Because who wants to come back?  My doctor was really nice when I asked her which burned more calories, hyperventilating or pacing.  (It was hyperventilating, weirdly, but you have to do it for a long time and doctors don't recommend that.)

6) Wear something pretty.  I wear a dress to the doctor most of the time.  I feel better about everything if I'm cute and I swear it makes a big diff as to how you get treated.  Who are you gonna spend more time with, the girl in the dress asking dumb questions about hyperventilation or the girl in sweats whining about how she accidentally chopped her hand off?  Come on!

There ya' go.  Advice!  From an expert even!  Have a great time at the doctor, guys.  Tell them I said whazzaaah.

*photo of a skirt that sometimes goes to the doctor with me.