Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Kendragarden Tells You How To Choose A Dog

Hi.  I'm sitting outside on a pretty creepy Coffee Bean patio writing this because there's an open house at our condo today.  People are walking around looking in closets and most likely judging me based on how many pairs of black boots I own (a lot) and how much gin is left in the bottom of the Hendricks bottle (not much) while I sip an Iced Blended and try to avoid eye contact with a bunch of old dudes.

Oh.  But this blog is supposed to be Kendragarden Tells You What To Do so I guess I'll do that.  And I know I said I wouldn't take questions for this advice thing but my mom asked me to write about how to choose a dog so I'm gonna do that since she a) reads this blog all the time b) bought me my first Smiths album and c) gave birth to me.

If you've read this blog before, you probably know I'm pretty obsessed with my fat mutt, Hogan McSmalls.  He even has his own category over on the lower right there.  I think I did a SUPER GOOD BANG UP JOB picking him so I think that qualifies me as a full-on expert, OK?

Here's some things I think you should do when picking a dog.  Here we go.  Let's do it.  Yup.  Gonna start now.  Ready?  OK.

1) Get a shelter dog.  
I don't need to tell you why.  There's just so many that need adopting, particularly in a big city.  You'll have your pick of cute sweet buddies and you'll feel good about yourself because you literally saved a life.  Also, dogs know what's up so they'll be extremely grateful you busted them out of the pokey.  They will.  Trust me.

2) If you can, go for a mutt.
Mutts are cute.  Mutts are original.  Also, my vet told me that mutts tend to be healthier and not as prone to disease because they're genetically diverse.  I don't know about all that but I love that no other dogs look like my dog. Well, except this one dude named Elvis at doggy day care but he's a little bit sleeker and not as goofy so even though they get them mixed up all the time, I still say Hogie's an original.

3) Roll him (or her) over.
Tim's friend who works with animals told us this trick.  When you go to the shelter or wherever and you're checking out a dog, try rolling them on their back.  If they do it easily, it means they're a passive sweetie butt and are not likely to growl at guests or eat a mailman.  Hogie went over like he was playing dead.  So far he hasn't eaten anyone and he's really shown an aptitude for pretending to die when I shoot him with my finger gun.

4) Look into the dog's eyes and ask if they like to destroy electronics.
I'm not saying you'll be able to tell but at least you've been up front with them.  Hogie ate an iPod and peed on my laptop but to be totally fair, I never told him NOT TO do those things, so.

5) Do they look stinky?
Look, all dogs in the pound are stinky.  The difference is that some of them want to be stinky. Some of them, like my little dude, LIVE to be stinky.  If Hogie had come with a WARNING:  STANK label, I don't know if I would've taken the plunge.  (Sorry, Gorgey Porge.) If a dog is rolling around on the stinky floor with his tongue hanging out all excited, maybe that's not the dog for you.  I mean, unless you're into that sort of thing or unless you can afford to get him groomed every couple of weeks.

6) Get a Smartie.
But not too smart.  You want a dog who is smart enough to learn adorable tricks but not so smart that they figure out how to open all the drawers in your kitchen, use them as stairs and have a snack party on your kitchen counter while you're at yoga.  (Ahem, Hogie.) I have no idea how you're supposed to determine this.  This is a blog, man.  I'm a yoga chick who loves vodka, not Cesar Millan. What do you think this is, an advice column?! Just look into his little fuzzy face and try to figure out if he's MENSA or diabolical and then adopt accordingly.

OK, think I'm done dispensing priceless advice today.  It's getting kind-of hot, there's a guy in a fedora smiling at me and my Iced Blended is all gone.  Stop by next Wednesday when I tell you HOW TO DO SOMETHING REALLY COOL AND STUFF!

*photo by me of my cutie butt stinky too smart electronic destroying mutt buddy.