Monday, July 29, 2013

8 Things I'd Do To Get Ready For Prison

Last night I finished watching Orange Is The New Black.  For the three of you who haven't inhaled this show yet, let me just say that it lives up to the hype.  The premise is that an engaged fancy soap-maker gal goes to jail because she carried a suitcase of drug money for her girlfriend a decade ago.  Once.  (The statute of limitations is twelve years.)  The show is full of amazing and diverse female characters.  I really really like it.

"Prison Me" used to be an obsession of mine but it's been years since I made a list of prison reads or stared at a blank wall and wondered what I would hang on it if it were my cell.  But, I used to watch  The Shawshank Redemption and think, If I were in prison, I'd like to end up like up like Brooks.  I meant the working in the library and having a bird friend part, not the hanging myself in a sad room part.  I also fantasized about how tough I'd suddenly become when confronted with a prison-full of hardened criminal bitches.  Never mind the fact that I've only been in one stupid fight in my entire life.  In prison, I would be a badass, an alpha, a hardcore bizitch like Gemma on Sons Of Anarchy.

It's a ridiculous thing to be preoccupied with.  I've never done anything jail-worthy so it's not really an actual concern I should have.  The problem, though, is that because of Orange Is The New Black, now I can't stop thinking about what would happen if I had to go to prison.  Instead of thinking about the perfect Ewan McGregor pic to go above my bunk (gotta involve a motorcycle, right?), I'm wondering what I'd do to prepare for incarceration if I knew I was going in like Piper.

Here's what I came up with:

1) Work out.  I'd want to go in there able to pick up something heavy.  Right now, lifting my 28 pound dog is kind-of a struggle.  Gotta be able to shiv a bitch.

2) Get a Brazillian blowout.  Look, my curls need product and I'm not talking Pantene shampoo. I figure I'll give it a fighting chance.  If I'm only in there about a year like Piper, at least this will get me through the first five months or so.  After that, my hair will end up looking just like Nicky's but by then everyone will love me so it'll be OK.  I can just ponytail it.

3) Start eating crap again.  I cut out fast food and meat and processed foods and, you know, crap, a looong time ago. Most recently I quit gluten.  Now if I eat it, I get pukey.  If I'm gonna be eating prison food, I better get my system ready.  Howdy, pizza!  Hellooooo, Taco Bell!

4) Kiss everyone's ass.  I want people to send me things and come visit me.  So, I'll just start being extra special nice to the ole' friends and family.  Maybe casually mention how much I'm gonna miss books and gummi bears and perfume when I'm "inside."

5) Learn prison lingo.  You know, like "inside."

6) Take a self-defense class.  Preferably one where I can pretend to be Buffy the Vampire Slayer and make snarky comments before I stake vampires wearing leather jackets.

7) Work on my bitch face.  It's pretty good already but it couldn't hurt to fine tune it a bit.  I'll need a face that says, "I'm in here for eating babies."

8) Grow 6 inches.  If I go in there all tall and cool like Alex Vause, I'll be OK.  Right?


Well, there's my to-do list for my pretend stay in prison for a crime I haven't committed because I'm an extremely boring rule-follower of a person.  Probably not gonna do any of them except maaaybe number one.  Oh, and definitely number seven.  Always number seven.

*photo of me in a cell at Alcatraz. Not sure if it was legal to take a pic in there.  Please don't arrest me, I'M NOT READY!