Thursday, June 27, 2013
Me: Ooooh! I forgot to show you something really important.
Me: Hold on. (I find it on the laptop.) Here! (I thrust the laptop at him.)
Him: (Looks at a photo of a guinea pig wearing an ice cream cone like a hat.) That's pretty cute. I can see why it was important.
Me: Cute, right? He does other things too. (Shows him another pic of the same guinea pig washing a car.)
(We stare at each other.)
Me: In conclusion, I need a guinea pig.
Him: (Looks at Hogan McSmalls, the dog.) You have a dog. Do you need a little friend, buddy?
*Hogie ignores us both and chews on his bone.
Me: He totally does. The guinea pig can help me wash the car and run around the house keeping Hogie company.
Him: What will your guinea pig be named? Sally Draper?
Him: Stephanie Zinone?
Me: Classic. Maybe Fizgig?
Him: Peggy? From Mad Men. What's Peggy's last name? Why doesn't she have a last name?!
Me: Holy shit! HOW COULD WE BOTH FORGET THAT?! (Googles it.) Olson. Wow, I knew that. Peggy Olson.
Him: Peggy Olson the guinea pig.
Me: Nope, my guinea pig is a boy, duh. HIS NAME IS VINCENT VEGA AND OHMYGAWD HE CAN WEAR A LITTLE TINY SUIT.
Him: Vincent Vega the guinea pig. Okay.
Me: (Jumps on him.) So I can get one then?
Me: He'll run around everywhere with Hogie and it'll be soooo cute. Wait, do they smell?
Him: Um, no?
Me: Like ferrets. I knew a really stinky ferret once. Musky as hell that ferret.
Him: I don't think so. Also, Vincent Vega can't run around the house. He has to be in a little habitat.
Me: Oh no. No way. My stinky Vincent Vega pig has to be free! NO CAGES.
Him: Well, then he'll just be shitting everywhere and he might even get stuck in cabinets and stuff.
Me: Oh. But, where would he shit then?
Him: In the cage.
Me: Just everywhere?
Him: Yes, Vincent is not like a dog. You can't train him.
Me: So I'd have to clean it?
Me: R.I.P. Vincent Vega. I'm going to bed.
*photo from incredible things.