Thursday, June 20, 2013

Dear Concert Babies

Dear Babies,

I know, I know.  You were excited.  I understand.  You were at a concert.  Maybe it was your first or maybe it was your 30th.  In any case, you were super happy to be there.  You were all, omg, I'm at a show and I want everyone I've ever met to know I was at this show.  I get it!  I've been there.  But, geezusfuckingkeerist, do you need to hold your fucking phone up THE ENTIRE SHOW?

I know you want to take a couple of pics for Instagram.  I know you want to video your favorite song.  But every song isn't your favorite and if you post all of those zillions of photos you took on Instagram, everyone will hate you.  Why don't you do what I do and take a couple at the beginning of the show and then put your stupid phone away?  Hey, chick in front of me, you took too many photos and they all suck.  (Yeah, I saw them all because they were right up in my face.  Thanks for that.) If you were a photo journalist, you took too many photos.  You took too many photos if you were Tracyanne Campbell from Camera Obscura's  mother, which you are soooo not because Tracyanne is my age.  And, Tracyanne would never fucking behave like that at a show because she's my age.  Believe that.

Ooooh, or YOU, iPad girl.  I wanted to rip that thing out of your hands and hit you upside the head with it.  My friends with kids have told me crazy tales of obnoxious parents holding up their big ass iPads during school programs obstructing everyone's view of the stage.  I was shocked because that's ridiculously stupid and rude but then you go and do it AT A CONCERT.  You don't even have the "crazed parent" excuse.  Hey, iPad gal, I hate you.  Everyone who was there last night hates you.  I hate you with a venom I usually reserve for racists or gay bashers or people who put balls on the back of their Hummers. Use that iPad to google "Basic Etiquette" and read about how to be a human in the world.

Also, ladies behind me who talked the entire show, you can fuck right on off too.  Why would you spend money on a concert and then talk about stupid shit the entire time the band's on stage?  I will say that at least you left after my fifth Bitch Bear stare. (That's my version of the Care Bear stare only I use my bitch face instead of my tummy.)  I hope your conversation was super fun in the lobby!

Again, I understand wanting to document a good show.  I do.  I have dozens of concert tees in my closet and a book full of ticket stubs.  I took a photo last night too!  What I didn't do was hold my phone up the entire show.  And, I loooove concerts, you guys.  I've been to hundreds and I still get silly excited every time.  But, I worry that  a lot of you are missing the point.  How can you possibly enjoy the music, the experience, if you're posting pics to Facebook in the middle of the show?  Don't you realize you're being a TOTAL ASSHOLE to the band?  I would rather have been in a really frisky mosh pit last night.  I would've rather had elbows in my ribs and boots in my face than have been surrounded by you losers.  I would have rather left with a bloody nose than watch you jerks update your stupid social networking sites all night just so your friends would know you went to see Camera Obscura.  Guess what?  You didn't see them.  Not really.  You saw them through your phones and your big obnoxious iPad.  You talked through them.

Update your shit later, dudes.

I saw a meme recently comparing shows in 1993 and 2013.  In 1993, people were watching the band. They were holding up either their hands or lighters.  In 2013, everyone is holding up a phone.  It made me sad.  I know this is lame but I can't help thinking, you're doing it wrong!

We think you're stupid.  We do.  The generation who made it possible for you to go into a medical dispensary and get pot.  The generation who slam danced to Nirvana and rocked Doc Martens before you were born.  We collectively roll our eyes at your lame concert etiquette.  That is when we're not fantasizing about shoving electronic devices up your jorts-clad asses.

Yeah, I said it.

I'm probably being too harsh.  OK, I'm definitely being too harsh.  But, it doesn't seem that hard to me. Of course you should be able to take a pic.  Shit, take ten.  You should be able to record your favorite song.  Go ahead, be my guest.  I'm not trying to say you have to sit there like you're at church.  But maybe try enjoying the experience of actually being at a concert for a change.  Put your phone in the pocket your romper and WATCH THE BAND, babe.  With your eyes, not your device.  You'll have a great time, I promise.  And, chill out, everyone will still know you were there. I'm sure you'll make certain of that.


*photo of Camera Obscura at The Wiltern by me, with my phone, the one time I took a pic.  See how that works?