Wednesday, May 8, 2013

What I Learned By Drowning My Phone

Monday morning I woke up groggy and cranky.  Too many Cinco de Cocktails?  Maybe.  Or it might've been this weird dream I had where Tim bought me a pet rabbit and gave it to me in front of a bunch of people and everyone kept insisting it was a puppy.  When I would say, "That's a freaking BUNNY, PEOPLE," everyone would just look at me like I was crazy.

Anyway, whether it was drinks or bunnies, I was out of it.  I went into the bathroom, lifted the toilet lid (We keep it down because we're all kinds of feng shui, ya heard?) and promptly dropped my precious iPhone into the toilet.  Yeah.  I did that.  Everyone's joke nightmare IS MY LIFE, YOU GUYS.  Next time someone asks, "Who would drop their phone in a toilet?  Who would do something like that?!" picture my smiling face.  You're probably wondering what happened next.  Well, what happened next is that I said, "No no no no no no no no no no no no no," as I picked it up, screamed and wiped it down with at least six Clorox anti-bacterial wipes while holding back tears.  Then I did these things:
  • Washed my hands.
  • Tried to turn on phone.  Didn't work.
  • Took the case off of the phone.  
  • Wiped it down again.
  • Tried to turn on phone.  Didn't work.
  • Finally peed.
  • Washed hands again.
  • Cried a little bit.
  • Tried to turn on phone.  Didn't work.
  • Said, "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck."
  • Glanced at case.  Wiped it with another antibacterial wipe.
  • Tried to turn on phone.  Didn't work.
  • Picked up case, threw it in the recycling bin.  I loved that case but it will forever be known as toilet case and I can't hang.
  • Tweeted about breaking my phone.  Didn't cop to dropping it in the toilet because it was too raw, guys, too new.  Too, um, fresh.
  • Got ready, went to my appointment with my dead phone.
At Best Buy, they were really helpful.  The girl didn't blink when I deadpanned, "This phone is dead because I dropped it in a toilet."  They took my phone and put it in a box and said I'd have it back by Thursday.  I then expressed my displeasure that I wouldn't have it until Thursday because I'm leaving on a trip really early Thursday morning.  I offered to pay more money.  I sighed.  I was frustrated that she couldn't make everything exactly how I wanted and needed it to be even though I'm the idiot who gave her most precious possession a swirly.  Because I have insurance on my iPhone, she offered a solution.  I could get a loaner phone in case my toilet phone (or its replacement if it's truly dead) doesn't get here in time.  She explained that it would be an older phone.  I pictured an iPhone 3G or something and nodded my head vigorously.  "Yes, please!"

That's when she said, "The best phone I can offer is a Droid."  

And then that's when I said, "Huh?  What?  You don't have any iPhones?  None?  Really?  I mean, what is a Droid?!"

She said that's all I could get and told me that if I break it, I'll owe them $200 as she had me sign a bunch of papers.   I left Best Buy confused and scared.  A Droid.  On a trip!  No Instagram.  No iTunes for the flight.  No games, no apps arranged just so.  No fun.  I set up Twitter and Facebook on my phone.  I programmed in the numbers of the only 6 people who call me.  I tried not to throw the stupid Droid when I first attempted to tweet from it.  Then, later in the day, I was talking to Edi explaining why I was speaking to her on a non-iPhone when all of a sudden it flew (this is true) out of my hand and broke into three pieces, causing me, for the second time that day, to treat my dog to a chorus of, "No no no no fuck fuck fuck."

Lucky for me and my wallet, it had merely broken into battery, phone, back of phone and was easily reassembled.  There's been other adventures since then like when the alarm went off this morning or when I found texts from someone named Ryan asking if I could pick the kids up from soccer practice.  (I said no.)

Today, this morning, I am hoping with every ounce of my being that my iPhone gets here early and I can take it on my trip.  I have learned so much, you guys.  First of all, don't bring your phone to the bathroom with you, even if it's always attached to your hand, even if you get all shaky without it.  Put it in a pocket or on a counter or something.  Second, if you have to bring your phone, maybe don't use the hand that's HOLDING THE STUPID PHONE to open the toilet lid.  Yeah, that's a good rule of thumb.  Third, $5 a month insurance on your phone is smart if you're dumb or clumsy like me.  Fourth, don't spend waaaay too much on a Totoro phone case that you're just going to drop in a toilet.  And, finally, fifth, Droid phones suck.

*totoro phone case selfie by me.  r.i.p. totoro phone case.