Tuesday, May 14, 2013

10 Rules For Californians Visiting Texas

I've been in Texas for four days and I have to say it is very different than California.  One thing is that I got to order a side of fried okra with my omelet.  Awesome!  Another thing is that the sky is freaking beautiful.  They call this area Big Sky Country and even though I'm pretty sure we have the same sky everywhere, I have to admit it's amazing.  It might be that people look up because there's nothing to look at on the ground except tumbleweeds and horny toads but whatever.  Still pretty.

As much as I've missed my home state, I've been in Los Angeles for fifteen years now and I'd forgotten some of the rules of existence in Texas.  Luckily, it's all starting to come back to me.  Pretty soon I'll fit right in!  (I leave today.)

Here's what I've learned (remembered) so far:

1) If a woman calls you "sweetie," she's being bitchy.  In L.A., if a woman's being bitchy, she'll call you "bitch" or something way more creative but in Texas, they will kill you with kindness and strut off in bedazzled capris.

2) No one walks anywhere.  If you're going for a stroll after lunch (wearing regular clothes instead of work-out clothes, no less), people will stare.  Some people (I'm looking at you, guy in the camo trucker hat) will sick their Cocker Spaniel on you because you are clearly up to no good.

3) If you ask what veggies are on the veggie sandwich, you're a total dick.  Don't do that.  It's lettuce, tomato, onions and shredded carrots on Wonder Bread, by the way.  Just order the fish and chips.

4) Paint your toenails black if you want people to stare at your feet and cock their heads like confused poodles everywhere you go.

5) If you tell the liquor store clerk you're from California, be prepared for a speech about how "that crazy Clinton closed all the mili-try bases a while back" and that's why he votes Republican.

6) You have to say "Hi" to everyone you see everywhere you go.  If you don't, you'll seem rude so get those greetings ready, y'all!

7) Don't worry about checking to see if anyone's coming, just pull on out into traffic.  It'll be fine.

8) Everywhere you go, someone on the radio will be singing about boots and beer.  This will make you want to put on boots and drink beer and then you'll do something that will make you depressed enough to listen to sad songs about boots and beer.  It's a vicious cycle.

9) Black jeans plus black cowboy boots equals formal wear.

10) If you really want to fit in, make sure you're wearing at least five sparkly items at all times.  Then put on more before you go out.

That's all I can think of right now but I still have a few hours here to learn some more stuff!  Seriously, though, I've had a great time in my beautiful home state but I'm also glad to be going home.

*photo by me from my parents' alley.