Friday, April 5, 2013

LOVE BITES Part Two: Vampire

Hello and welcome to Part 2 in my 3 part series:  Love Bites, in which I help you decide whether to become a werewolf, a vampire or a zombie in your afterlife.  These types of decisions are important, people.  Do not wait until the last minute.  Research your creepy supernatural creatures and then you can make an informed decision about who you want to bite you in an abandoned school or an airport bathroom or a nightclub.  Last week, we talked about the werewolf.  To review that click here.  This week, we're discussing the vampire.  Let's do it:

PROS TO BEING A VAMPIRE:

1) You get to look young forever without getting that 'over-botoxed surprised lion' look like the ladies in Beverly Hills.
2) Good excuse to sleep all day.
3) You can wear a cape without looking like a magician.
4) You'll probably be super sexy and have lots of vampire sex in like dungeons and crypts and stuff.
5) Super speed.  No more rush hour traffic!
6) You're never cold or hot so you can wear a leather jacket in the middle of summer like a boss.
7) You'll live forever if you're careful so you can learn a bunch of skills like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day.
8) Maybe you'll meet Dracula or get a cameo on True Blood.
9) You can flash your cool vamp teeth at strangers in crowds just for shits and giggles.
10) If someone is rude to you, you just eat them.

CONS TO BEING A VAMPIRE:

1) You gotta drink blood.  Gross.
2) Twilight.
3) Heightened sense of smell, which is totally a bummer if you live in a big city.
4) Serious Vitamin D deficiency.
5) Sleeping in a coffin equals neck cramp city.
6) No more garlic bread.  :(
7) No wooden furniture for fear of accidental staking.
8)  High dry-cleaning bills because blood stains like a mo-fo.
9) You might have to hang out with bats.  BATS. (I'm shivering.)
10) You have to put up with stupid humans for the rest of eternity.

And, there you have it.  If you liked what you read here, maybe becoming a vampire is for you!  Stay tuned until next Friday, when we wrap up the series with the zombie.  Wowee!

*photo from classiccinemagold.