Friday, April 12, 2013

LOVE BITES Part Three: Zombie

Oh, hi, guys.  Here we are, on week three in the three part series, Love Bites, where I break down the harsh reality of becoming a supernatural creepy crawly.  These decisions are extremely important to your future.  Do not wait until it's too late.  Get informed! Knowledge is power!  This is your brain on drugs! WHO YOU GONNA CALL?! Wait, where am I?  Sorry.

Ahem, we have discussed the pros and cons of becoming a werewolf.  We have debated whether or not you should let some cold dude in a cape turn you into a vampire.  And now, it is finally here, the week of the zombie.  I know what you're thinking.  Most of you are thinking, Why would anyone possibly want to be a zombie?  (One of you is thinking I have crazy hair.  It's okay, I think it every day, dude.)  Anyway, I think by the time I'm done, you'll agree there are some good things about zombie-ism.  I'm here to help you decide if you want to be part of the walking dead because I care, y'all.

OK, we'll begin.

PROS TO BEING A ZOMBIE:

1) You're super hot right now.
2) Haven't you ever wanted to shut your brain off?  Well, now you can!  Like yoga but better! Namaste, zombies.
3) You'll be very driven.
4) You won't have to worry about getting your nails done or reapplying lipstick.
5) A lot of energy.  Zombies are just go go go. (Shuffle shuffle shuffle.)
6) You can do the Thriller dance and it will look soooo sick, man.
7) The ultimate revenge on your annoying neighbor would be to eat their brains.  Rad!
8) That Cranberries song can be your theme song.  Not too shabby, unlike your clothes, LOL.
9) Speaking of clothes, you're so not a slave to fashion.
10) It feels really good to be a part of something big, you know?

CONS TO BEING A ZOMBIE:

1) You're gonna be soooooo stinky and probably pretty gooey.
2) A lot of people will probably see you all gross and zombie-fied.  Embarrassing!
3) No more pizza or brownies, just brains brains brains.
4) Over saturation.  People are getting sick of you, dude.
5) No alone time.
6) No more sitting.  And sitting is AWESOME.
7) What if you accidentally eat someone ugly?!
8) Say goodbye to smelling the roses.  Actually, say goodbye to your nose because that's totally falling off at some point.
9) You will have no idea how Mad Men ends.
10) The moaning.  You'll just be moaning all the time like a weirdo.

That pretty much sums it up.  I hope I've helped.  I hope you all make the decision that is right for you, whether it's werewolf, vampire or zombie.  I hope you have a great after-life, guys.

*photo from Night Of The Living Dead, Ronald Grant/Public Domain.