Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Best Male TV Characters Ever Uh-huh Are Too

Right now I am eating one of those hard candies you get from Mexican restaurants.  You know the ones.  It's called a Choco Starlight and it's green and brown and it tastes like heaven.  I am also procrastinating by sitting around making lists of my favorite television characters of all time, like ya do.  Because I love love television and I always get obsessed with one character on every show.  I'll even watch something horribly ridiculous if there's at least one character I like for whatever reason.  Could be the actor is hot or they have funny hair or I like their voice or the character occasionally turns into a werewolf and eats people.  I also tend to have a thing for the fat guy on any given show and I don't know what that's about but anyway, I'm listing them, folks.  Because I can.  The thing is, I have too many for one blog.  It's gonna have to be two.  I could be reasonable and divide it up into comedies and dramas but that's way too logical.  Just gonna go by sex which is probably all kinds of wrong but whatever.

First up, the dudes. (Click on their names to experience the magic oh wow.)

1) Bill Haverchuck (Freaks & Geeks)

I like to gush to people how much I love this show.  Then people like to tell me I was a Lindsay in high school.  Then I like to make a puke noise and say I was "totally a Kim Kelly,"  which is pretty much a lie but it sounds way cooler than that whiny brat Lindsay.  But, really, I find Bill the most lovable and relatable of all the characters.   Team Bill!

2) Jesse Pinkman (Breaking Bad)

Yo, bitch, I love me some Jesse, yo.  I would've stopped watching a loooong time ago if it weren't for Jesse.  He's the perfect foil for Walter White's intense serious craziness.  He's so perfectly flawed and such a mess but he's a good person.  You have to root for Jesse, even when it's impossible to give two shits about all those other bald dudes and crazy ladies on the show.

3) Data (Star Trek: The Next Generation)

If you ever rode in my car in the 90s, you would've noticed my Data doll.  Data doll was there for me through high school and college and got lost after I moved to Los Angeles.  I think he might have been zapped out of existence when I crossed the border into L.A. for lack of coolness.  But, I don't care.  I think Data's the best.  He's frank and sweet and unintentionally funny.  Sure, he's totally an android but whatev.  He's an adorable android and I think he's the best part of the show.

4) Al Swearengen (Deadwood)

I call him Sweadgy-wedgy.  He's a little bit awful and a little bit brilliant.  He cusses every other word.  (When Tim and I were watching this show, we called it DeadFuckingPeckerWood.) He's tough and shady and his mustache is magnificent.  Did I mention he also runs a whore house?  Yes, Al Swearengen is a straight-up pimp.  He says stuff like, "Get to fucking" to his whores.  He's gotta be one of the best characters of all time.

5) Omar Little (The Wire)

Omar's like the Robin Hood of the show.  He's got morals, even though he's a thug who steals from drug dealers.  He's the kind of character you wish actually existed in the real world.  But, I just like him because he's funny.

6) Bobby Singer (Supernatural)

If Bobby were real, I'd probably be related to him.  He totally keeps those hot brothers alive and he kills soooo many demons when he's not researching supernatural crap and drinking and stuff.  I'd like to go on a road trip with Bobby where we both wear terrible trucker hats and eat Bugles or something while we listen to old country music from the 80s and talk about how everyone's an "Idjit."

7) Bobby Elvis (Sons Of Anarchy)

Speaking of Bobbies I could be related to, Bobby Elvis is the best of the SAMCRO motorcycle club because he's tough but nice, he parties really hard and he's a straight up Elvis impersonator.  This show isn't shy about killing characters off but if they killed Bobby off, I think there'd be a mutiny.

8) Carlton Banks (The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air)

OK, first of all, shut up, you guys.  Seriously, shut up.  I love Carlton.  I love his dancing and his little sweater vests.  Shut up shut up shut up!

9) Butters (South Park)

Duh.  I know.  Butters is the best because he's the cutest and the most innocent and because of that one time he accidentally became a pimp.

10) Taco (The League)

Taco is where it's at.  He's high all the time and sings ridiculous songs and dresses up in costumes.  I just described my entire theater department in college.

What do you think of my little list?  Did I leave anyone out?  Leave a comment if you need to but if you make fun of Carlton, I'll eye roll you so hard.  Please notice I showed major restraint by not just listing ever hot vampire on television.

Come back tomorrow to find out who I think are the best female TV characters.  It's gonna be so crazy, y'all.  I hope you can sleep tonight!

*photo blastedgoat.