Friday, March 1, 2013

Dear Moz

Dear Morrissey,

Hi!  I am going to your show tonight at Staples Center.  I didn't mind it being rescheduled from November because, obviously I wanted you to feel better and also, my Birthday is Sunday so this is kind-of like my Birthday concert.  I'm sure you planned it that way, Morrissey.  When you sing "Every Day Is Like Sunday," I'll know you're singing that just for my Birthday and it's WAY BETTER than stupid "Happy Birthday."  No one even likes "Happy Birthday."  "Happy Birthday" is for babies and old people.  "Every Day Is Like Sunday" can be mine all mine and I'll be oh so happy, Morrissey!

I'm rambling on, Moz.  Can I call you that?  OK, anyway, Moz, we have so many things in common.  I've decided we should be besties!  I have A TON of reasons.  Don't worry, Moz, I'm gonna break it on down for you.

1) We're both vegetarians!  I adopt a turkey every Thanksgiving and I hate McDonalds too.  Whoohooo!  True, I haven't been as vocal about it as you have.  Well, one time I mentioned it on Instagram and I could kind-of feel all my Instagram pals collectively rolling their eyes at me.  And, I'm putting it out there now so I'm getting there, right Moz?  You could teach me!  We could eat veggie paninis together at a cafe and moo at people eating burgers!

2) You're from Manchester, England and I'm from Midland, Texas and there are not many parallels to be drawn between the two but they both start with 'M' and so does your last name and so there!  Yeah! This means nothing! Life is meaningless! Whatev!

3) I have taken some Interesting Drugs.  To tell the truth, they really helped me, those Interesting Drugs.

4) Frank and open conversations bring me down too so we can just talk about how awesome your hair is if you want.

5) WE BOTH LIVE IN LOS ANGELES, MORRISSEY.  Although, I've never seen the stars reflect in the reservoir so, oops, my bad.

6) I've never turned down Jimmy Kimmel but I did one time turn down a free extra shot of espresso in my latte because I didn't want the flirty barista to get the wrong idea and it's important to do the right thing, right bestie?

7) I also believe with my whole heart that The World Is Full Of Crashing Bores, Morrissey.  I feel ya.  Totes.

8) I, too, like to be showered with flowers as I dance around and sing your songs.  I usually pay a homeless dude to do it but if we hang, you can do it, no problem.  Hope you like my rendition of "Vicar In A Tutu," that I do while wearing a tutu and doing my special Vicar dance (it's pretty much just bootie shaking but, like, pious bootie shaking).

So, those are my reasons.  Aren't they awesome?!  Sorry I love you so hard.  I don't think you're unloveable AT ALL.  But, is it really so strange?  I don't think so.  See you tonight, BFF!  Sing one for me, I don't even care if it's "Unhappy Birthday," LOL!


*photo via