Thursday, November 15, 2012

Kendragarden's Props For Maximum Awesomeness

The election is way over and even though there are states (my home state included) making noise about secession, most people are over it.  We've gone back to our lives.  We've stopped checking every political site thirty times a day and we've even unblocked our political foes on Facebook.  Everything is back to normal but I'm still annoyed about some of the props we saw in California.  Don't worry, I'm not going to go off on a political rant.  I just want to say that these things never end up working the way they're supposed to.  They're either poorly written or confusing.  The terrible ones pass and the good ones don't.  They usually suck.  They usually suck hard.

I had a shit day yesterday.  Seriously terrible.  So, this morning, I am in my cupcake pajamas sipping English Breakfast Tea and writing whatever the hell I want to write.  I'm rebellious today, you guys.  Maybe I'll have a cupcake for lunch.  Who knows?  It's just that kind of crazy zany day, y'all.  But, right now, I am making my own list of props.  Kendragarden's Props For Maximum Awesomeness.  Yeah.

Prop 1:  No groups of more than three girls wearing hats shall gather anywhere at any time.  If you're brunching and girl number four shows up wearing a hat, she has to take that shit off and eat her french toast with hat hair.  Sorry, Betty, you have to take off the beret, IT'S THE LAW.

Prop 2:  Five days a month, everyone has to tell me I'm pretty and give me cookies and send me videos of Corgis doing cute things like sitting in boxes and sliding on the floor and waddling down stairs.  No exceptions.  I'll let you know which days.  Wait, you'll know which days.

Prop 3:  My hair must look good every single day of the always and forever.  If it does not, it will rain circus peanuts from the sky.  We all know how terrifying raining circus peanuts can be.  So, if you want your world to be free from terrible candy falling from the sky and hitting you smack on the face, you better make my hair look not terrible.  Whatever you have to do, people.  Invent something.  Hire me a live-in stylist.  Just make it happen.

Prop 4: If you're wearing headphones, no one is allowed to talk to you.  This is punishable by a night sharing a jail cell with Donald Trump and Paris Hilton.

Prop 5:  You have to pass a test I call the "Not An Asshat Test" before you can get your driver's license.  Anyone who has ever cut me off, flipped me off or called me "Woman," will be denied a license.  So will anyone who has ever bought an Affliction shirt.

Prop 6:  If you do not complete your transaction at the ATM in less than five minutes, a hole opens up in the floor and you fall into a pit of possums.  You will be released once you sign a document stating that your time is not more valuable than everyone else's.

Prop 7:  Every American is entitled to ten fits a year directed at customer service representatives.  You can use them all on AT&T or you can mix it up and do like 4 at Time Warner Cable, 3 at AT&T and 3 at Wells Fargo.  However you divvy it up, just remember, yell your little heart out.  You deserve this.

Prop 8:  I'm taking back this number.  From now on, all restaurants are required to have a full bar and to serve veggie sausage and french fries.  Yes.  That's right.

That's it.  Those are my props.  I think we'll all find the world is a much better place now that I've "passed" these props.  Long live America and stuff.  Namaste.  Cheers.  May the force be with you.  Nanoo nanoo.  Bye.