Thursday, October 4, 2012

8 Reasons I Wish I Was A Hobbit

I've just finished reading The Hobbit.  Well, rereading it.  I think this was the third time I've read the book but it had been a while and I'm pretty sure I enjoyed it more this time than the first two.  I read it the first time for school.  I remember how old I was because I took it with me to New Zealand with my theatre troupe.  I was fifteen and full of sarcasm so when the security guy at the airport told me to put my book through the scanner, I loudly said, "Oh yeah, good idea because there's a gun in my Hobbit book."  Then I was detained and griped out in front of my director and all of the other actors going on the trip.  Good times.

This time, I read it just for fun, not to write a report or whatever.  Plus, I'm old so I think I was able to appreciate aspects of the book I had previously ignored.  Hobbits are freaking cool, man.  I love them.  I mean, I've always maintained that I'm a hobbit.  After The Lord Of The Rings films came out, I remember sitting in a restaurant with some friends discussing who was what.  I think my husband was a wizard, my friend Monte was an elf.  Pretty sure my dad was a dwarf.  (Not because he's short but because he's kind-of a badass and because he's short.)  Anyway, someone said I was an elf and I got mad.  "Clearly I'm a hobbit!" I yelled, pointing to my hair.  "I'm freaking merry and shit!"

So.  For the first List Thursday in a really long time:  8 Reasons I Wish I Was A Hobbit.  For funsies, you guys.

1) Eating.  Hobbits love to eat.  I love to eat.  But, I don't eat whatever I want because I care about my health and I live in Los Angeles and I'm a girl and other such things.  Preservatives!  Chemicals!  Fat!  Gluten!  Carbs!  Blerg!  If I were a hobbit, I could eat all day long.  I would eat a cake for elevenses and it would be SWELL!

2) Drinking.  Cocktail hour is every hour in The Shire.  Hobbits like to party.  The pub is the merriest place around, not some sad stinky sweaty place where people fight over football like in my hood.  I want to be a hobbit.  A drunk, happy little hobbit.

3) Smoking.  I gave up smoking over a decade ago and I don't miss it because I don't want to die.  But, hobbits don't die from cancer!  They live a really long time.  They blow cool smoke rings and smoke out of fancy little pipes and still have breath to sing all of their awesome songs.  They don't look up their hobbit noses at what you stuff their pipes with.  They'll smoke anything!  Pipeweed!  Yes!  If I were a hobbit, I would own a smoking jacket.  I would own three smoking jackets.

4) Stealth.  Hobbits are graceful and quiet little beings.  They can creep through a forest without anyone hearing them.  I think this would come in very very handy in Los Angeles.  Think of all the conversations I could listen in on!  Think of all the chihuahuas I could liberate from Gucci bags!  Although, if I'm a hobbit, wouldn't I live in a hobbit hole in Hobbiton instead of a condo in a big city?  Whatever!  I don't care.  Shut up.

5) Homebodies.  Hobbits are homebodies.  Sure, they like to be social or whatever, but it is entirely acceptable for them to text their friends on their little tiny hobbit iPhones (Shut up!) and say they're staying in for the night or the week or the month.  If I were a hobbit, I'd probably spend weeks in my hole dancing around with my itty bitty hobbit Beats By Dre headphones on and reading books and hitting the pipeweed.

6) Parties.  After weeks of holing up, I think I'll be ready to party and hobbits give good party.  When you combine numbers 1 through 3 on this list with dancing and music, you have a pretty awesome shindig.  I just want to dance around and eat and drink for days and days and then nap and then party and then nap and then eat and then, well, you know.

7) Hair.  Hobbits have wild crazy curly hair and they don't give a flying fuck what you think of it.  When I'm a hobbit, I'll never have a blow-out again.  Aveda will go out of business because I'll stop buying hair products and just let it go full hobbit fro.  Maybe I'll accessorize with some twigs.  It'll be awesome.

8) Nature.  Speaking of twigs, hobbits are really into nature and being outside and stuff.  This is the exact opposite of me.  I am not nature-y.  I do not camp.  I do not hike.  Ugh.  It's giving me hives just thinking about it.  But, Hobbit Me would not be allergic to the universe.  She could roll in grass without having to be hospitalized and she could stop and smell the roses without crying.  Yay, Hobbit Me!  Climb a tree, Hobbit Me!

Good life plan, right?  Become a hobbit!  Dance and smoke and eat and nap!  But, Kendra, what about the hairy feet?  If I were a hobbit, I think I'd be the first hobbit ever to have tiny perfect unhairy human feet.  I would get hobbit pedicures and it would be SO CUTE, YOU GUYS!  But, okay, I'll play along.  If I have to have hobbit feet, so be it.  I'll miss shoes and my feet will be hideous but I just won't look at them.  Whatever.  Shut up.  SHIRE!  HOBBITSES!  PIPEWEED!

*photo by krupp.