Thursday, April 12, 2012

10 Objects I'd Bring To A Desert Island

If you know me, you know I'm pretty obsessed with games.  And lists.  And games where you list things. If we're at a bar, I'll probably ask you to play Top 5.  I'll come up with a topic.  I'll try to make it quirky and original, something you haven't done before.  Top 5 Elephants In Film or Top 5 Things You've Spilled On Yourself.  Something like that.  But, sometimes the classics are good, you guys!  Sometimes the classics can be awesome, like Star Wars or The Beatles or grilled cheese sandwiches.

Have you ever read a magazine where they ask a celebrity what items they'd take to a desert island?  So, Famous Person, if you were stranded on a desert island, what would you take with you? It's the oldest question ever but I always read these types of articles because I absolutely love the answers.  "I would take my laptop."  REALLY, genius?  Your laptop?  You can plug it into a palm tree!  Okay, then, if you're bringing a laptop, "I will take my own helicopter so I can go home."  Take that!

So, I'm going to do this list.  If I were stranded on an island, I'd bring these things.  The rules are, I have basic food and basic hygiene tools. (Like maybe I was in an airplane crash and I have my suitcase? Maybe there's fruit trees or, um, an island vending machine?  I don't know.  Just go with me.)  There is no electricity so no iPhones, iPods or Kindles or laptops.  No helicopters or boats either.  Just stuff.  Alrighty?  Alrighty, let's do this: 10 Objects I'd Bring To A Desert Island.

1) A bottle of Grey Goose.  I can mix up cocktails using coconut milk and pineapple juice and whatnot! I can also use it as a disinfectant if I scrape my knee or, you know, get a paper cut.  And Ambien!  It can be my special island Ambien.

2) SPF a zillion Sunscreen.  If I ever get rescued, I don't want to go home all wrinkly with skin cancer.

3) Hogan McSmalls.  I'll always include my dog on lists like this.  I know he's not an object.  But, I figure he'll be fun to have along.  We can play fetch with mangos!  I can perform monologues and sing songs to him!  He will keep me from making a Wilson!

4) My Buffy The Vampire Stapler notebook and my Owl pen.  I will blog to myself every morning.  I can do lists on Thursdays like "Top 10 Things I've Made Out Of Sand This Week!"

5) Epi-pen.  This is for not dying!   Like, if I get bit by some weird insect or stumble across one of the 3,462 plants I'm allergic to.

6) Costco-size Pack of Toilet Paper.  No leaves.  No leaves, guys.

7) The Dark Tower Series by Stephen King.  Is this one item?  I don't know.  Maybe if it's the box set?  I figured I'd re-read these again someday and since I apparently now have nothing but time, I might as well get my Stephen King on.

8) A, like, knife or something?  Maybe I should, um, put something practical on this list?  Maybe I can, I don't know, kill fish or cut open fruit with this thing?  I'll probably end up cutting myself and then pouring Grey Goose on the wound and then chugging whatever's left in the bottle.  But, look mom, how practical!

9) A hammock.  I have never ever owned a hammock and I don't even know if I could sleep in one.  But, the thought of weird island creatures crawling on me while I sleep is too creepy.  Gotta have a hammock.

10) Hair serum.  To keep my hair from frizzing up and making me look like Fizgig.  Just in case there are hot natives or it ends up that I'm on some messed up Truman Show type of program.

Tell me what you'd bring.  Tell me how stupid my things are.  Just don't tell me my hair already looks like Fizgig's.

*photo by smallscreen.