You've heard people say that they like someone so much that they want to shrink them down and stick them in their pocket, right? If you know me, you've probably heard it from me. I say it too much. Actually, I mean it too much. There are people who exist in the world that I love so much, I really would shrink them and carry them everywhere with me. I like the image of, say, my nephews sticking their heads out of the pocket of my flannel. But, it's not that practical because what if they have to pee? Where will they sleep? What will I feed them? (Probably goldfish crackers. That makes sense in my brain.) What if they talk when I'm trying to concentrate? What if they fall out of my pocket and into my beer? What if I smash them during yoga?!
Sigh. So, I decided to make a list of famous people I'd carry in my pocket instead of, like, friends and relatives. Not that celebrities aren't real but at least if I drown one accidentally, my mom won't kill me. (Unless it's tiny Oprah. Then, she'd freak.)
Ahem, here are my picks for pocket people! (The only rules I had were that they had to be famous and alive.)
1) Thom Yorke. Yeah, I picked the lead singer of Radiohead. I know, I know. But, he'd be adorable in my pocket. Think of the little hats. I'd put him out on the table so he could dance when I'm at the bar or at parties. Tiny dancer! It would be amazing.
2) Bill Nighy. Hell yes. Who doesn't want a tiny Bill Nighy in their pocket? He's smart, he's funny. He's a vampire! I could listen to him talk all day.
3) Miranda July. I seem to run into her everywhere anyway. Restaurants, yoga, shops. So, I know she'd be cool with my routine. I think she'd have really interesting observations to whisper into my ear too. Plus, she's a curly! We'll be besties!
4) Stephen King. I can't think of anything cooler than having a mini-Stephen King in my pocket. I'd whip him out ALL THE TIME. Oh yeah? Think you can just cut in front of me at the post office, old lady? Well, let's see what my tiny STEPHEN KING has to say about that? I will get him a tiny typewriter. He can tell me stories! But, not before bed.
5) Robert Smith. I almost went with Moz but think of the hair peaking out of my pocket! Fabulous, right?! Plus, Robert Smith seems like he'd complain less than Morrissey. He can sing me "Lullaby" every night. Or, "A Night Like This." Actually, he can sing whatever he wants as long as it's not "Friday I'm In Love."
6) Patton Oswalt. I'm reading his book, Zombie Spaceship Wasteland. I find him incredibly smart and relatable. I would have him sit on my shoulder and whisper "zombie," "spaceship," or "wasteland" every time we talk to anyone. Patton, if you're reading this, I think I'm a Wasteland but I'm not sure and since I can't really kidnap you, shrink you down and take you everywhere with me, I'm thinking maybe an online quiz would be radness squared. Thanks!
7) Morgan Freeman. I think this would be very very impressive. He'd be very helpful at getting people to do my bidding. How could anyone refuse a little bitty Morgan Freeman?! I bet I could get a table at any restaurant. Plus, I could ask him for advice ALL THE TIME! He could be like my pocket father figure! We could get matching outfits!!!
8) Jenny Lewis. This is entirely contingent on my finding a small functioning guitar. But, yeah, Jenny Lewis, man! Tiny bangs! Tiny romper outfits! Awesome tiny tunes rocking out of my pocket!
9) Stephen Hawking. Think of how much I would learn! An itty-bitty robot voice in my ear telling me cool shit! Yes! He'd probably get really annoyed with me, at which point, I'd just get him drunk and ask him questions about the universe. I'd also like to make him race his chair against my wind-up toys.
10) Kanye West. Ooooh! That's it, I'm done. Can't beat that one. Tiny Kanye could just read his tweets to me and all would be right with the world.
Okay, I'm finished. I dare you to think of anyone better than Kanye or Stephen King! I love my tiny pocket people!
*photo by lisbokt.