Friday, March 2, 2012

10 Best Non-Existent Birthday Gifts

Oh, hey, guess what?  Tomorrow is my stupid Birthday.  Tomorrow I turn a gazillion years old and will probably drink a gazillion cocktails to cope.  I'm not excited.  I'm not "looking forward to it."  I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!

However, it is list Friday and I figured maybe doing a Birthday-ish list might make me feel more festive.  So, here it is.  Best 10 Birthday Gifts That Don't Exist.  This could be fun.

1.) Ewok.  You guys knew I was gonna say ewok so we might as well get it over with first.  He can walk Hogie for me!  I'm on the 2nd floor so it's kind-of like a tree house!  I'll buy him an apron and teach him to bake cookies!

2.) A Jetsons-style device I can pop my head into every morning and come out with shiny straight locks and cute bangs.  Fizzgig hair be gone!

3.) Balloons that never deflate.  I'm gonna need a bunch of them so I can tie them around my waist and float to the bar and stuff.

4.) Star Trek Replicator.  It can make the cookies while my ewok's taking a nap in his hammock.  (Did I mention I'm getting him a hammock?) It can also make me lattes and margaritas and that salad I crave from Alcove Cafe.

5.) Smart clothes.  So, you gained weight or you lost weight or your pants shrunk in the dryer again.  As soon as you put them on, they adjust themselves perfectly to your body.  Like yoga pants but they look like real clothes.

6.) Easy-Open Doggie Poop Bags.  I know this is kind-of lame but I spend several minutes out of every day trying to open these assholes and trying not to cry when I can't get them open.  I hate them.  They are worse than EVERYTHING EVER!!!

7.) Doggie Valet.  Speaking of the dog, I need a special valet just for him to make him smell good all the time and to keep him from shedding all over everything I own.  Also, he should stop him from eating iPods and Tupperware and such.

8.) Mind-Reading Netflix and iTunes.  I don't want to think or make decisions.  Using your brian is haaaaard!  This device will look into the depths of my soul and immediately know exactly what I want to watch or listen to.

9.) A real live mini stegosaurus.  Maybe a purple one?  Maybe his bony plates are sparkly and his breath smells like Wild Cherry Lifesavers?  I dunno, I'm just spit balling here.  Gah.

10.) Buzz Again Pill.  If you've had too much to drink and you just want to start over, you pop one of these bad boys and you're sober again.  At the end of the night, you take another one and wake up hangover free!  (Please somebody invent this.)

Okay, any of these items would make my day a happier one.  What would you choose?  (No, really, tell me because I'm pretty sure I left out a lot of awesome stuff.)

*photo by ewan traveler.