What if you had to have a résumé for life? Like, you meet someone and maybe want to be friends or date them and they ask you for your résumé. Don't think that could happen? Well, here's mine just in case. I will print it on Care Bear stationary so picture it like that, okay? Cool.
I am an energetic, high-spirited, happy individual when drinking alcohol or caffeine. (Or at a concert, karaoke or maybe Cinco de Mayo or my own Birthday party.) Otherwise, I'm pretty quiet and introspective. Every single time I give someone a hug, I think "Okay, here we go!" right before I do it. I'd probably rather be reading a book or watching a movie than having an actual conversation but if I am having a conversation, I'd rather you talked. Please be interesting!
*I went to high school in West Texas and graduated with honors and whatnot. I was in Who's Who of America's High School Students and I still don't know what that means exactly but I like to think they're regretting their decision at this point. Like shaking their fists at the sky and crying and stuff.
*I went to a small state school and partied for four years, occasionally memorizing a monologue right before class. I got a B.F.A in Acting and I'm still paying off my student loans. I did some good plays so that was cool I guess. What I'm saying is, I have a degree in pretend.
*I took a buttload of writing classes at UCLA. This is, um, the result of, um, those classes. Good, right?
*I have a yoga certification because at one point, I thought, oh, I love yoga and I could do that but I don't teach because when it comes right down to it, I don't want to be up in front of a bunch of people who are staring at my ass.
I'm mainly good at jobs where I have to force people to drink. I was a shot girl, a Hooters Girl and a comedy club waitress in Hollywood. I've been an extra, an editor, a children's birthday party performer (think Elmo and The Little Mermaid), a shop girl, a school secretary, a gym receptionist, a body double, an art class model and a hostess at freaking Chili's. Hire me for life!
- Mad fat parallel parking skills.
- I can remember lyrics like whoa.
- Ditto for dance routines.
- I am really good at going to concerts. You'll be all like, wow, that girl is so good at going to this concert.
- My drunk tweets actually make people uncomfortable!
- My idle chit chat with old people is perfect. Perfect, I tell you. They love me.
- Girl, you don't even know how fast I collate.
- I'm flexible. I can lick my own elbow.
- I can make balloon animals. On the for real.
- I can white-girl rap at karaoke. Or in the car. Sometimes in the shower. Eat it, Hathaway.
- Fake laugh. I can bust out a great fake laugh, y'all.
- Speed walking. You think I'm joking. My husband can't even keep up. I look like a mall walker on crack.
- I can carry exactly the number of grocery bags that are in the car up the stairs. Every time!
I've won many illustrious awards for selling Girl Scout cookies and also cocktails. I always sell the most cookies and cocktails, you guys. Don't be intimidated.
- Hogan McSmalls. I never forget to feed or walk him and I'm a really good ear scratcher.
- Fat Eddie Vedder. He is a homeless guy in my neighborhood. I gave him money once and also didn't have him arrested that time he threw a rock at my head.
- Rodney Dangerfield. One time he showed me his penis at The Laugh Factory and I only laughed a little bit so I think he'd give me a good reference from the other side.