Friday, February 10, 2012

5 Terrible Awful Valentine's Day Gifts

The husband and I don't really do Valentine's Day.  (If you care why, click here or here.)  Sometimes we'll go to dinner the day before or after.  But, we don't do gifts.  This year, I'm cooking him dinner.  (You guys better be awww-ing.)  As I was planning the menu yesterday, I started thinking of how funny it would be if I bought him something really terrible as a gift and gave it to him with dessert.  Then, I took it a step further and started wondering what would be the worst gift he could possibly get me.  (I, um, have a lot of time on my hands.)

Of course, I made a list.

If Your Honey Is a Gal, Ladies First:

1.) Gift certificate for waxing.  Even if she needs it, this is just ugh.  Not sexy.  Really gross.  Don't do this.

2.) A cat.  Gents, Ladies, do NOT get your girl a cat.  I mean, unless she asked for one.  This isn't like a goldfish.  You can't just flush it.  (Seriously.  They don't fit down the hole.  I've tried.)

3.) Stuffed animal.  Unless you're in 2nd grade and you're hoping she'll marry you on the playground.  In that case, go big or go home.  I'm talking 40 pound purple unicorn.  Good luck, weird kid who is reading my blog.

4.) Money.  See number 1.  You can give her money on a regular day if you really want to.  Maybe she won't feel like a hooker on a regular day.

5.) Anything for the kitchen.  Even if she loves to cook.  Even if she's a chef.  (Especially if she's a chef.)  So, no pink blenders!  I got nauseous just typing that.

If You're Head Over For A Guy, The Dudes:

1.) Silk heart boxers.  Come on.  He's never going to wear those ever.  If you want to give him something sexy, how about a blow job?

2.) A poem.  How could you?!  I mean, maybe if you're, like, an award-winning poet and he's, like, one of those guys who cries in the bubble bath.  Maybe then?  I don't know, though.  I gotta say, I kind-of want to beat you up for thinking about it.

3.) Lingerie.  This is for you, girls.  Let's not pretend it's for him.  I mean, he'll probably like it but you're just going to take it off and you'll both know it was just an excuse for you to buy some Cosabella.

4.) Couples cooking classes.  Or Salsa classes.  Or any type of forced activity for you guys to do together that he doesn't already enjoy.  You're making him hang out with you!  It makes you seem needy.  I don't like you anymore.

5.) Romantic movie or book.  Your boyfriend/husband doesn't want to watch The Notebook or Pretty Woman.  He doesn't want to read a Nicholas Sparks book that "reminded you of your love."

I hope this was helpful.  If I were going to get Tim a funny/lame gift, I think I would go with baby squirrel inside a heart-shaped box with, like, fake roses and stuff.  It would be terrible.  And hilarious.


*photo by Sister72.