Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Organic Chef Boyardee

I made my regular latte with chocolate almond milk this morning and it was crazy exciting.  It was, like, OhMyGawd this day is gonna rock now exciting.  In an hour or so, I get to have some organic almonds.  And, I'm really really looking forward to it, you guys.

Hello, my name is Kendra and I am a food asshole.

Sometimes I want to grab hold of my friends and family, strap them in a chair and feed them fruits and vegetables.  I'd make them protein smoothies with almond milk and hook up an IV with fresh carrot/kale juice and leave them for a couple of hours while I hit a yoga class.  I'd make them watch food documentaries Clockwork Orange style.  I'd read them books about the messed up American food industry and then give them quizzes to make sure they were paying attention.  I'd staple reusable grocery bags to their wrists.  I'd hypnotize them to make them think they enjoy quinoa and tofu.

This desire not only confirms that I am a food asshole, it's also an ironic reminder that I'm a hypocrite as well.  Why?  Let me count the reasons (ahem, things I've been known to inhale):  french fries, M&Ms, Vitamin Water, graham crackers, pizza.

Oh, PIZZA!  This brings me to my most hypocritical behavior.  I'm a total whore for anything organic.  I'm lazy and I don't want to cook.  So, I buy organic frozen foods.  My poor husband gets Amy's Organic Frozen Pizza for dinner twice a week.  Sometimes I'll actually boil water for organic pasta.  But, most of the time, I'm merely heating something up from the freezer, thinking I'm a food badass because it's organic.  Once I bought organic Oreos (Newman-O's) and we ate the whole package because that's healthy.  I also chug a Mexican Coke every once in awhile like a chump.  I eat organic popcorn for dinner as often as I eat pizza because I'm so awesome, you guys.  If they made Organic Chef Boyardee, I would buy and eat that shit.  I would. I know I would.

And, where would it end?  Organic pork rinds!  Organic Double Western Cheeseburgers!  Organic Turduckens!  Ugh.  I just puked a little in my mouth.

So, am I actually eating healthier?  I have no clue.  Maybe?  I do eat a lot of fruits and veggies so there's that.  But, it's clear to me after thinking about it that I have no right to strap anyone to anything because if organic frozen food ceased to exist, Tim and I would starve.

And, I would cry.  Because frozen pizza is YUMMY and I'm TIRED and I just want to throw it in the oven and have a cocktail.

So, friends and family, rest assured that I won't be giving you an IV anytime soon.  Think I'll just chill here and assure myself that I'm awesome because I'm eating healthy.  Oooh! But, seriously, do you think they make organic gummy worms?

*photo by Mandy_Jansen.