Friday, December 2, 2011

Where's Toto?

I'm worried about my brain.

Maybe I should explain.  We've been watching the PBS Masterpiece Classics show, Downton Abbey.  I liked it instantly.  It has a fantastic cast and you get sucked into the plot and the time period from the get go. (In the first episode, you learn that the Titanic has just sunk.  So, you know, it's pre-World War 1.  Corsets and hats and monocles and such!)  However, there's one thing that's bugging me and I simply cannot let it go.  There's an Earl, see.  He has blue eyes.  His wife, the Lady, has blue eyes too.  They have three daughters.  The youngest two have blue eyes.  But, the eldest, she has brown eyes   I ask you, what piece of craziness is this?  Did the Lady have an affair with a Duke?  Lovely as the actress is, it's simply inconceivable that those are her parents.  What happened over at PBS?  Don't they understand science?!

See, this is why I shouldn't be allowed to watch anything ever.  This is why my brain might be broken.  (And why I'd make a horrible casting director.)  I need for the actors playing a family to actually look like they're related!  It's scientifically impossible for two blue-eyed people to have a brown-eyed daughter!  How can I suspend disbelief that far, PBS?!

But, my issues are not just with eye-color.  I wish they were.  I'm also one of those people who squirms when two characters wake up in bed with each other and start kissing.  Disgusting morning breath!  No one does that!  Sure, actors who just grabbed an Altoid from craft services five minutes before shooting the scene would do that.  But, I'm supposed to believe these people are real people and real people are gross in the morning.  And, while we're on movie sex, what's up with the bras?  Why is everyone screwing and sleeping in their bras?

No one screws in their bras, you guys.

So, you can clearly see the brain malfunction that's occurring.  I shouldn't care.  But, I come by this annoying trait naturally.  As a child, I couldn't pay attention to the plot of Wizard of Oz because I was worried about where Toto was.  (He's not there a lot.  And, he's totally portable.  She could pick him up easily! Doesn't she have a basket? It's maddening!!!) I remember watching Caddyshack II and freaking out because a girl's bangs kept changing direction.  Every shot the swoop would be going a different way, like it was swaying in the wind, like it wasn't hairsprayed to hell and back.

Stuff like that makes me want to neck punch someone.

So, maybe my brain's always been broken.  Maybe I'm always going to get annoyed when I'm watching something set in West Texas and they "hop on over to Austin for a day trip," because I know it's actually a seven-hour drive.  Perhaps I'll always stop paying attention to the plot of an action flick because a character is driving in downtown Los Angeles, makes one turn and is suddenly at the Santa Monica Pier three minutes later.  That stuff will always take me out of it.

I guess I can just keep on rolling my eyes or indignantly pointing it out to whomever I'm watching with.  Because people love it when you do that.  I guess maybe I can just try to realize that it's just entertainment and I really need to get off it.

Or, I could just watch documentaries for the rest of my life.

*photo by keoki seu.