Monday, December 5, 2011

The Subtext of Christmas Carols

I've been doing two things way too much lately:  listening to Christmas music and messing around on Twitter. The result is my take on Christmas carols in 140 characters or less.

Santa, Baby:  I deserve a lot of expensive shit because I didn't cheat on my man.

Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer:  Reindeer suck unless they need something from you.

Jingle Bells:  'Tis the season for drunk sleighing, bitches!  That drifted bank came out of nowhere!

Baby, It's Cold Outside:  Smoking kills. Just kidding, there is no subtext in this song, you guys.

Walking In A Winter Wonderland:  It was so cold on our walk that I hallucinated a preacher and, oh shit, now I'm engaged.

Frosty, The Snowman:  He totally melted.  He died, kids.  Frosty died.

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer:  Carols can be composed in trailers too.

Christmas Wrapping:  Omg, isn't it cute that this guy stalks me even on Christmas day?!

Silver Bells:  Back in the olden days, people didn't have Spotify so they had to listen to bells and stuff.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus:  Children think adultery is hilarious.  Ha!  Adultery.

Holly Jolly Christmas:  Drink, socialize, get some.

I hope everyone has a safe December, an awesome Holiday season and a Holly Jolly Christmas!