Tuesday, December 13, 2011

It Never Rains In Southern California

Yesterday it rained!  In Los Angeles!  Everyone likes to pretend like this never happens.  Like it's always sunshine here no matter what.  Like what you see on 90210 is real.  And, some people truly forget that it ever rains.  But, these people don't have dogs.  It's easy to forget when you never have to go out in it for Fido to do his business.  When you go from your car to the office to the restaurant, then back home, literally from parking garage to parking garage, it's like it's not really raining.  The next day, everyone pretends it never happened.  Like when The Lakers lose.

But, it does rain.  It rains enough that I own rain boots and a big golf umbrella to walk the dog with.  Walking my dog is a pain in the ass on a regular day.  He might be a sweet adorable puppy at home, but he's a total dick to me in public.  He darts in front of me to get a stray piece of toast or to say "hello" to one of the 33,987 Boston Terriers that live in our hood. He pulls the leash and frequently ignores my commands.

Yesterday, however, it was a special kind of happy times with the ole' mutt.  It was pouring down rain.  Hard cold rain.  I was juggling that giant umbrella (which makes my arm hurt after ten minutes of holding it because I'm so buff) and his leash.  After almost thirty minutes of being the only living beings in Los Feliz dumb enough to be out and about, the dog finally decided to take a dump.  I put the umbrella handle under my arm and tried to balance it on my shoulder as I held his leash with one hand and tried to get out and open a poop bag with the other.  I was already saying, "Fuuuuuuck," when Hogie started kicking with gusto.  Wet dog poop everywhere.  Spread all over my neighbor's lawn.

So, I got to crouch down balancing the umbrella, leash and poop bag, trying to retrieve all the dog shit before I fell down or got wet.  IT WAS AWESOME GOOD TIMES, YOU GUYS!

I completed this task without getting muddy because I'm a freaking ninja.  I found a dumpster to throw the bag of icky away and then we were finally, joyously on our way back home.  This is when Hogie discovered a dead, water-logged squirrel lying under a palm tree and decided it would make an awesome snack.  He nearly pulled my arm out of the socket trying to get to it.

I don't know if you've ever seen a squirrel who has been hit by a (in all probability) Prius and then left out in the rain for a day but it is not a fantastic sight.  I managed to keep him away from the carcass.  I managed not to cry.  I managed to get us both back home and in the front door without too much additional trauma.

That's when the dog took off running with muddy paws through the living room and kitchen.  Once in the dining room, he shook himself as hard as he could.  As I cleaned up the mess he took a nap.

Soooo much fun.  I'm glad it never rains in Los Angeles.