Thursday, December 22, 2011
He says, "You've never been?"
I say, "Nope. I've never been to any of them. Well, unless Carlsbad Caverns counts."
He looks at me like I'm an alien. But, I'm NOT an alien! I'm just a person with severe allergies. I was the type of kid who had to go to the nurse's office if the grass had been mowed right before P.E. One time I pet a neighbor's cat and swelled up like a tomato. Then I had an allergic reaction to the allergy medicine. I'm not meant for the outdoors.
When a friend asks me to go hiking, sometimes I say yes because, you know, yay friends and yay pretty scenery and yay getting outside of L.A. for a little while. Yay. You know? But five minutes after we leave, the itching in my throat starts. Then, the headache and fatigue. Five minutes more and my nose is running. We get a little higher up the mountain or the track, my friend hasn't broken a sweat and I'm having trouble breathing. My eyes water and itch and my friend always asks if I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm having a fantastic time. HIKING IS SO MUCH FUN!!!
So, yeah, maybe I'm not made for nature. But, I've been thinking about things and I think that evolution itself is telling me to stay the fuck indoors. After all, didn't I evolve to have allergies? To be an indoor creature? I seriously doubt my hunter/gatherer ancestors had to put Kleenex and Flonase in their leather pouches. Allergies have got to be newish phenomenon.
Also, bad things happen in the wild wild outdoors. Think about it. Lost hikers. Falls. Bear mauling. Hypothermia. Dudes on cliffs cutting their arms off and stuff. Sharks eating people. The Blair Witch!!!
We were meant for 4 walls, guys.
So, I'll probably head up to Yosemite and see the waterfalls and the big trees. I want to see it. But, I'm staying in a hotel with central air and no bugs or bears or pollen. And, I'm ordering room service. Because I've evolved to order room service, dammit.
I might even take those cute little liquor bottles out of the mini fridge.
*photo by adam79.