Friday, December 9, 2011

8 Things I Say To Hogan McSmalls

You talk to your pets, right?  I mean, you say "Hello" to them every time they walk into a room.  If you didn't, that would be totally rude.

Right?

Maybe it's because I work at home or because I have intimacy issues or because my dog is actually an old, wise alien trapped in the body of a mutt from the animal shelter.  Whatever the reason, I talk to him.  All the time.

So, here are the things Hogan McSmalls hears most often from me.  (I can only assume he's broadcasting them back to his home planet and that light years away, I am the Snooki of an entire extra terrestrial civilization.  Crossing fingers.)

1.) "How's your fuzzy face?" I'm guessing that when I ask this, he quietly replies, "It's fine, asshole.  My fuzzy face is just fine."

2.) "What are you doing with your cute self?"  Um, he's always always plopped down somewhere looking at me like I'm crazy.  That's what he's doing with his cute self.

3.) "Go get your toy."  When he's bugging me or being spazzy, I tell the dog to go get his toy.  He always goes and gets a toy and starts playing with it.  I then go back to writing or reading or playing games on my phone.  It's kind-of awesome.  He's a genius.  I'm a genius.

4.) "You're soooo tiny."  He's sooo not tiny.  He's like 30 pounds of chunk.  He's like a Chicken McNugget with legs.  He's like a walking chimichanga.  I don't know why I frequently point at him and say this. Brain tumor?

5.) "Hogie, don't eat that!"  I say this sentence at least 30 times a day.  The dog tries to eat discarded sandwiches, suspect-looking twigs on the ground, petrified gummy bears in gutters, packing peanuts, iPods, socks, cabinets, squirrels and chicken bones.  Yes, there are chicken bones on the ground in Los Feliz.  I don't know who is walking around gnawing on a chicken leg all the time but they need to stop that.

6.) "Ugh, I'm going to murder you."  This sentence usually occurs after he's chewed on the aforementioned iPod or socks.  I don't think he believes me.

7.) "Hogie, would you like a little porcupine brother?"  He always wags his tail and cocks his head.  He totally does want one!

8.) "Come on, buddy. Sit up like a meerkat." He never ever does.  I think it's a physical impossibility for such a top heavy chunker-butt.  But, he has become pretty adept at sitting like a meerkat with one paw on resting on my shoulder or knee for balance.  He's a performer.  He's a pleaser.

He's a dog.  I should probably stop talking to him.