Thursday, November 17, 2011

Stuff It

Around this time every year I get pissed off at women's magazines.  But, every year, without fail, I pick up the December issues at newsstands with the same joy and anticipation my nephews reserve for the Toys R Us catalog.   I love looking at the gift section.  I love folding down the corners of the glossy pages, imagining the reactions of my friends and family when I present them with the perfect gift.  Wow, I'm so amazing to have seen this in the pages of Lucky and then purchased it for you!  Yes, yes, I am the most wonderful human on Earth, aren't I?  It's almost as fun for me as putting up the tree or eating sugar cookies or annoying my husband by singing Christmas carols in November.  And, yeah, I rarely end up actually buying anything I find in the pages.  But, that doesn't stop me from cracking open the magazine like I'm about to do some serious serious life-changing business.

However, that's not what pisses me off.  What makes me crazy mad is that there's always a section of stocking stuffer suggestions full of $200 necklaces and $90 lotions.  Are these magazine editors serious?  Are they smoking crack or sniffing too many perfume samples?  Sure, I'll just slip this bejeweled clutch into my sister's stocking.  I didn't need that car payment anyway.  In my family, you get socks or a dvd or maybe some lipgloss.  The guys get flashlights and kitschy bottle openers.  All very awesome gifts that we truly appreciate.  They never cost more than $20.

And speaking of cars, if I see one more Lexus or Mercedes with a big red bow on top, I'm going to, well, I'm not going to do anything but I'll be really indignant!  I mean, do actual people out there in the world really buy their significant others a CAR FOR CHRISTMAS?  Surely that never really happens.  I know if Tim drug me outside by the hand on Christmas morning to show me that he'd made a $40,000 purchase without consulting me, I'd be livid!  Especially in this economy, do we really need to see commercials with women squealing over cars and diamonds like they're total vapid dumbasses?

I don't think we do.  And I don't think it's real.

I think women want some nice boots or maybe an iPhone, if they're getting really crazy.  I don't believe that anyone needs to remortgage their house so they can recreate what's between the pages of Vogue magazine. I think advertisers need to calm the hell down or I'll wrap those big red bows around them so tight that they won't escape until the Superbowl.

If anyone needs me, I'll be condescendingly shaking my head as I check out what Real Simple magazine says I should buy my nephews.

*photo by kristinbsu317