Thursday, October 20, 2011

Super Friend

I love Mary Poppins.  I love when Jane and Michael Banks make a list of requirements for their nanny.  I started thinking, what if I did that for a friend?  Don't get me wrong.  My friends are amazing!  But, they keep moving out of state or having lives and stuff.  For some reason I can't always make them do my bidding at three a.m. on a Tuesday. 

So, I made a list for a SUPER FRIEND!  I took elements of all my groovy pals and added some others.  I will print this out, throw it in the fire like Mr. Banks and then he or she will come floating out of the clouds.  I'M SO SMART!!!! 

Here it is:
  • Must like The Dallas Cowboys, a.k.a. America's Team.
  • Must be willing to play Valjean to my Javert when we are driving in my car or hanging at my house or walking through the Melrose swap meet.  (If you don't know what this means, go see Les Miserables and DO NOT apply for this position!)
  • Must be a really good pilates teacher.
  • Must love Star Wars and vampires and animated movies.
  • Must enjoy concerts AND enjoy it when I talk about concerts.
  • No hugging unless I'm the right kind of drunk.  Then, lots of hugging.
  • You are up for duets with me at karaoke.  You know all the words to every Broadway musical, Ramones song, lame 80's ballad and rap song ever created in the history of ever.
  • Don't tell me you love me.  I'm a little damaged.  Say it with wind-up toys or Essie manicures!
  • MUST GO SEE HORROR MOVIES WITH ME!
  • I am indecisive.  You must always make the plans and choose the restaurant but make sure it's where I would want to go if I knew where I wanted to go. 
  • Must know what I mean above.
  • Only minimal making fun of my weird eating habits.  I won't make fun of your bacon cheeseburger if you don't make fun of my tofu stir fry.
  • Happy Hour.  You have to go to happy hour with me.
  • Please be someone who can take flattering photos of me and will not post photos of me on Facebook unless they are really flattering.
  • Don't say, "You're funny," like I'm a strange creature you encountered in an alley on your way home from snobville.  
  • Tell me if I have something on my face, or in my teeth or, most likely, in my hair.
  • Speaking of hair, you must be the type of person who will talk me out of cutting my hair off every 18 months or so.
  • Same with bangs.
  • The right person will love games.  All games.  Even lame games.
  • Must make me playlists.  And like it!
  • You really really like going to yoga with me but you don't show me up too much.  We are at exactly the same level!  We both hate it when bitches be popping up into Scorpion in Lunchtime Flow!
  • Must like cookies.  And candy corn.  And Red Vines.
  • You never ever talk shit about Jenny Lewis, Anne Rice, Morrissey, Miranda July or Stephen King.
  • Always tell me I look nice, even when I really look like a hungover hobbit in a Target dress.  
  • Must think The Notebook, Pretty Woman, Avatar and Crash are dumb movies.  Must think Underworld, (500) Days of Summer, Scream 4 and Ghostbusters are works of cinematic genius.
Okay, I think that will do it.  Shouldn't be too hard to find someone who meets all of those requirements.  Does anyone have a fireplace and/or a good British accent?  I need to do this as authentically as possible.

*photo by jpellgen.