Monday, September 26, 2011

Dear Haltom City

Dear Haltom City, Texas,

I'm taking care of my nephews for a week.  They are six and seven.  They are awesome.  They are spazzy. They are wearing me out.

Yesterday, I thought I'd take them to the park.  I found one less than a mile from their house so we set out, me on foot holding a big stuffed penguin and the boys on razor scooters that I'd promised them they could ride all the way there and back.  One question for you, Haltom City, WHERE ARE THE SIDEWALKS?!!!

Picture this: me (with the giant penguin) walking in the freaking gutter and two little boys razor scooter-ing in the middle of the road as big ass S.U.V's roll by, the drivers craning their necks at me because, holy crap, there's someone walking!  From the looks I was getting, a pedestrian in your city must be as rare a sight as a Prius or a recycling container.

Haltom City, dude, you need some sidewalks.

So, later in the day, I've got twenty minutes to myself with no kids.  It's my chance to run to the pharmacy, pick up a prescription and buy other necessities that might help me retain my precarious sanity for the next few days.  I see a tiny box of wine, something I would never ever buy but, hey, I'm in a freaking Walgreens and I have no time and I'm desperate so I'm gonna give this tiny box of Chardonnay a try tonight so I don't kill myself.  I go up to pay.  THEY WON'T LET ME BUY WINE!!!!

Why?  Because of your city ordinance.  Why do you have a city ordinance?  Because God doesn't like people drinking on Sunday?  ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS BULLSHIT?  Didn't Jesus turn water into wine, Haltom City? Don't you think you're being a little bit ridiculous?  Don't you think my buying microwave popcorn and trashy magazines is WAY more offensive than some wine?

I seriously felt like I was in Footloose.  (The original one, guys, duh.) I was looking around for Kevin Bacon to see if he wanted to dance with me in the vitamin aisle.

Don't get me wrong, I love my home state.  And, this may be common in Texas cities for all I know; I've been gone for fourteen years.  But, I think we can all agree that people deserve sidewalks and wine.  They do.  They deserve it.

So, get on that, Haltom City.