Friday, May 13, 2011


How much of a crime would it be to, say, dump popcorn over someone's head in a movie theatre?  What about whipping them about the head and neck with Red Vines?  Are we talking misdemeanor, battery, or assault with a greasy weapon?

Because a lot of people have it coming.

Last weekend I took myself to see Something Borrowed.  I do this frequently.  I skulk off to the theatre by myself because I need to see an embarrassing flick. I do everything short of wearing a disguise.  I get there early, sit in the back and keep my head down.  It's one of my favorite pastimes.  I get to sit alone in the dark for two hours indulging my guilty pleasure while shoveling popcorn into my mouth.  No sharing!  No one gets hurt and no one ever needs to know about it.  Until it shows up in my blog, that is.

I sat in the back row and noticed that there were only ten of us in the theatre.  I waited for the movie to start, excited and also sort of bracing myself because I always always want to see these chick flicks and they always always suck.  I can never quite swallow what their spewing.  I am not the type of person that roots for the girl to get the guy.  But, I think deep down I want to be and that's why I keep going back to watch.  By myself.  In the dark.


During the last preview, five giggling teenage girls sat down right in front of me.  Out of hundreds of available seats, they thought they should probably sit there.  There was a lot of punching and sighing and squealing and sharing of Sour Patch Kids. Then the movie started and they settled down.  This lasted five minutes.  The rest of the film, I was treated to a chorus of "Awwwwww!" Or, "How cute!!!" Or, "Oh My Gawd, Nooooooo!"  Or, my favorite, "I love him!"  They never let up.

The constant commentary affected me in two ways.  One, I thought they were funnier than the movie.  I laughed out loud at them more than once.  Two, I was intrigued and kind of jealous that they could get that involved and that invested in such a stupid movie.  While I was thinking, What the fuck?, these girls were willingly being taken on whatever ridiculous ride the film makers had in store for them.  They allowed themselves to be swept up in the lame ass fantasy.  I couldn't help wondering, were they dumb?  Were they just young?  Were they pretending to be super in to it?  And, if so, how do you do that?  How do you not turn into the surly chick in the back row clutching the popcorn so you don't hurl it at them?!  It's impossible.  I wanted to be them and I also wanted to murder them.  It's not an age thing either.  I would've wanted to murder them even harder in high school.

Last night, we went to see Thor.  Two seats away from me sat a girl and her boyfriend.  Or maybe he was a guy friend that she drapes her legs over sometimes?  Whatever.  As soon as Natalie Portman appeared on screen, she said, "Hot."  Later, Thor shows up and she says, "Hot."  The girl continued to say, "Hot," in that adorable Paris Hilton monotone voice every time Thor was in a scene, which was a whole freaking lot because it's called Thor.  She also yelled, "Wow, they're so skinny!" referring to Natalie and Kat Dennings, and at one point said, "Ooooh, that's so yummy," when Thor had his inevitable shirtless scene.  The best, though, was at the end of the film, which was fairly straight-forward plot-wise, when the gal said, "I'm so confused!"

It was perfectly normal for me to imagine myself grabbing the Red Vines out of her hands and smacking her across the face with them, right?

I'm self-aware enough to know that I'm the grumpy freak and that if I can't deal with the vocalization of people's idiocy during films these days, I should just wait for the dvd or avoid blockbuster-type movies altogether.  But, I won't.  I'll keep going.  I'l probably just avoid the snack bar.

*photo by atomcomedy.