May, 21, 2011 as billboards all over Los Angeles are proclaiming or we might be safe for another year if the Mayans are right. (Their apocalypse celebration is happening December 21, 2012. Be sure to check your local party store for sparkly apocalypse glasses and streamers. Oooh, or a globe-shaped piñata that you can smash! Poignant!) Even if you don't believe that shit, your inbox is still probably getting hit with earthquake or tsunami predictions, terrible subject lines like "WEST COAST EARTHQUAKE IMMINENT" sitting there as unwelcome as chain letters after the horrible devastation in Japan. You've probably heard people talking in your local coffee shop about the large groups of animals biting the dust at once or how natural disasters are increasing in number. (Like, OMG.) You probably know someone that bought a radiation suit.
Recently, while cleaning out my office (sans radiation suit because that's how I roll), I found an old notebook. I am one of those people that buys cutesy notebooks from indie bookstores and fills them up with lists, ideas and doodles until I inevitably get off my inspirational kick and go back to being surly and hopeless. Then these books end up in the depths of my filing cabinet, forgotten and sad, a terrible reminder that I once had an idea or drew a really cool heart inside of another heart back in 2005. The notebook I discovered the other day is fake blue leather and has a Paul Frank giraffe on it because I have the same taste as a first grader. When I flipped through it I found a master To-Do List for 2 years, 2009 and 2010. I am very good at accomplishing the tasks on my weekly lists but perhaps not so awesome at my overall life goals if these lists are any indication. The two were strikingly similar. On both were these goals:
1) Learn Spanish
2) Learn to Play Guitar
3) Publish Book
In 2010, I added the lofty goal of:
4) Quit Eating Sugar.
This year, I refrained from purchasing an overly priced notebook with a hipster owl on the cover and writing out a 2011 To Do List. But, if I had, it might say:
1) Stop buying stupid notebooks.
2) Stop making To Do Lists
3) Don't be an asshole.
So, back to the end of the world. Let's pretend it truly is End Time. Well, if that's the case, I intend to feel grossly and obnoxiously sorry for myself. Not because I'm scared to die. Let's face it, I won't know the difference and if everyone's dead, who really cares, right? But, I really kind of wish I'd made a good attempt at attaining one of those goals instead of struggling to learn one chord for the first 5 days of 2009 or spending twenty minutes looking up 'Rosetta Stone Spanish' on eBay. I wish I were the type of person who follows through no matter what. I'm just not. I'm only that person on Opposite's Day. I'm the Bizarro World version of a gal that checks off her life goals like a mom of six at Wal-Mart checks off her grocery list while yelling at little Jason to stop throwing frozen pancakes.
Or, something like that.
So, I guess my Fakey End of the World resolution is to be more goal oriented. To really grab life by the horns or whatever. To get with the program and whatnot. Yeah!
And, I totally will. Just as soon as I'm done writing this blog. And, then tweeting this tweet I just thought of. Oh, and walking down to Coffee Bean.
Happy End Of Days, everyone! See you at the party!