Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Hogan is a Punk Rocker

It's a good thing I don't have children.  I'd be the type of Mom that my kids would blame everything on.  They would tell their friends, their wives or husbands, their therapists (and there would surely be therapists) that their crazy Mother drove them to insanity.  By singing.  But, not just by singing.  Oh, no.  By replacing key words with their names.  It's a level of crazy that no child could recover from.

It all started in Elementary School.  Because we lived in West Texas and had nothing better to do with our free time,  my best friend and I started replacing words in popular songs with the word "Chicken".  Hilarity ensued.  This is really, really funny when you're eleven.  Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" became "I Wanna Dance With A Chicken."  She wanted to feel the heat with a chicken!  Hahahaha.  Then we decided to go old school and mess with the classics.   John Lennon started imagining all the chickens living life in peace.  Brilliant!  When we got bored with chicken, we changed it to schicken.  ("Ooooh, baby, do you know what that's worth?  We'll make Schicken a place on earth.") Then we became bored of that and decided to try and trick people into believing that song lyrics were different than they actually were.  We'd change one word ever so slightly.   We actually convinced my friend's poor mother that the Pet Shop Boys were singing "It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a fin."  Haha.  Sin became fin.  True comedy genius.

To this day I cannot hear any of the aforementioned songs without singing the new and improved poultry versions.  But, I'm pretty sure I have a problem because I take it a step further when I'm in a silly mood (often) and am home alone (even more often).  I take the lyrics and replace a word with my dog's name.  His English is limited so I'm pretty sure he doesn't know that I'm serenading him but he does get excited and wag his tail when I belt out, "All right, little Hogie, we'll all float on," (Modest Mouse) or "Don't want to meet your daddy, just want you be my Hogie."  (Outkast)  This is messed up on so many levels.  But, I can't be stopped.  It doesn't even have to fit or make sense for me to do it.  I'll even add an extra beat to get his name in there "If you leave, don't leave Hogie."  (OMD)  I think I'm so hilarious.  I also think if the neighbors heard me, I'd be committed.

Thankfully, the dog doesn't know any better and will not be permanently damaged by my frightening dork tendencies.  I do not have children to scar for life and my husband is safely away at work when I commit these crimes of sheer nerdy goofiness.  Everyone's okay and Hogan is a punk rocker noooooow.